So, what's on your mind these days?

I am thinking that within the next 14 days, we will receive our referral. Wow. Part of me believes that this is in fact, true, and part of me thinks some unforseen obstacle will arise. I am emailing our agency today to make sure all our phone numbers are up to date, and to ask them to call our cell phones first.

I have to admit that I am going to be bummed if SK gets the call before me.

I've been enjoying all your guesses as to age. I hope that Cheryl is right in her prediction that Isabella has some hair that sticks up. Our friend's daughter, Emma, had a bit of a punk rock 'do going on in her referral picture and I always thought that was the coolest thing.

Right now, we refer to Isabella lovingly as "Kung Fu Diva", because I'd rather be a martial arts mom than a soccer mom. And I want her to always be able to hold her ground (except with me, of course! OK, even with me, although I may not appreciate it at the time). So, a little spiky 'do seems just about right. Of course, this comes from a woman whose favorite comment on her teaching evaluations from last semester was "Murphy does not suffer fools gladly".

Speaking of martial arts, SK began his karate class on Monday. I must admit he looks very handsome in his gi. Oh yeah. His dojo starts lessons for children at age 3, so I am hoping she's into it. Either that, or fencing. The only must I have is that she learns to swim. Still, it would be nice if she turns out to be a combat or weapons girl. I dare to dream.

I have to hand it to SK. We've been dealing with a Very Difficult Situation (VDS) at home involving another family member. I won't go into details because it's not my story to tell, but it is a member of my family that's involved. And the VDS has basically washed away our summer because we can't have other visitors or even get-togethers at our house. We had to forgo a vist with our friend from DC, Marvin, who is the greatest visitor because his primary activity is telling SK how he is only visiting to see me and how he loves me very much. A girl can use a friend like that.

The VDS consumes a lot of my energy. Part of me resents this because these final weeks of waiting should be a time of joy for SK and me, and our impending referral is not on the family member's radar. SK has done much better with this than I would if I were in his shoes. Because of this, I've been able to hold up and try to get the VDS resolved (at least in terms of it being on our home) before we go to China.
And SK gets that even though a lot of my efforts in the VDS area are fruitless, I am doing what I need to do to be OK with me, to know that I gave it my best shot. And that's a lot to get when the VDS consumes a lot of your food and your wife's attention. In this pre-referral time, SK should get the best of me. But he doesn't. Not by a long shot.

SK and I, along with Carla, did have the pleasure of watching Cheryl and Bruce's Mya the other evening. Mya is eighteen months worth of ENERGY! It was a lot of fun...Mya loves starring in her own show. After arriving home well in time to do the bedtime routine with Mya, C&B gave us some very helpful travel tips. They also gave us A TON of clothes, from both their Mya and John & LaSalette's Emma. Unbelievable. Between these bags of clothes (all wonderfully organized by size and season, of course. Where do these people come from?), all the clothes friends and family have already given us,and the few outfits I bought eons ago, I don't think I'll need to buy any clothes for this girl. We also scored a Baby B'Air, a jumperoo, a walker, and a bottle warmer from the C&B/L&J godsends!

Wow, long post. Then again, long wait.

Sometimes he gets it right.

Yesterday I got home from work and there were flowers waiting for me. Irises, which I love, and lilies. They were from SchnauzerKing, but he got home before I did, so he brought them in. They are lovely, but the best part was the note.

To my wife on Mother's Day
'cuz you are special in many a way,
here be some color-pink and blue,
in anticipation of parenthood for me and you.

Awww. What a poet. I also received a replacement for a Christmas 2005 present that arrived busted...a sculpture. (I am very big on copper, bronze and wood figures. And I could definitely use the inner peace). At first I didn't notice it, but then SK made some offhand comment about how I was not very observant and keep saying "Ommmm". I figured he was just losing it, but no, there was a point to all that. Thanks, babe.

Tomorrow, SK and I are taking a 4 hour class called "Baby Care for Pre-Adoptive First Time Parents". And oh yes, I am bringing my camera!

My delusional husband.

Last night, quite of out the blue, SchnauzerKing tells me that since he has married me, he has become worried that he is losing his "street cred". Hello? Street cred? My husband is 36 years old, from the Midwest, with a master's degree in economics and a career as a cost analyst. Yeah, marrying me caused him to lose street cred. O-kay.

Ironically, SchnauzerKing pats himself on the back and says "Props to the Tim", whenever someone gives me a compliment. According to him, he deserves credit for having married me.

Today we both were working from home, which is unusual. Tim sits at the dining room table, with the nice laptop, and a heating pad on his back, being the bad ass he is. Must have strained his back from all the bling bling he wears. I am two floors up in my attic office. I come down to discover that Tim is playing Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" on his phone, through some new groovy little speakers from Sony that came at no additional charge with the purchase of the new phone (the Sony Ericsson Walkman phone). I then inspect his playlists and discover that he basically has the entire Celine Dion discography downloaded to his phone. Along with two Britney Spears songs, and "I am proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood.

Street cred. Uh-huh.

That Lovin' Feeling

It's been a nice Valentine's Day here in Chez Murphy, even if the weather outside is awful. We've justified skipping a gym workout tonight since we've both been shoveling the frickin' heavy snow/hail/rain combo we've got going on here.

Time for a vote for most creative Valentine's message:

SchnauzerKing to Redheaded Chick, along with three dozen red roses: "Happy Valentine's Day! You put the ahhhhwo ooooo in the SchnauzerKing's life!"

Reheaded Chick to SchnauzerKing, along with a cactus dish garden: "You make me feel all prickly inside".

Cast your vote by COMMENTING.

Blow me away with the romance, why don't cha?

Recently Tim and I were driving along in the 'Ru (our pet name for my Subaru Forester...I am so not driving any mini-van), with a CD mix playing. The song "She will be loved" by Maroon 5 came on:

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

So I ask my beloved:
"Would you stand out on my corner in the pouring rain?"

And he replies:
"Do I have an umbrella?"

I heart my husband.

I am not an easy person. I'd like to be, but I am just not. I am kind of a bulldozer. When I am on a mission, get outta my way, or you're going down!

Recently there has been some upheaval in Chez Murphy. My brother has not been feeling well, and so for a bit, he's living with us. He's been with us since Friday.

My brother is a lot like me in some ways. He's not an easy person. I love him, but he can be tough to deal with...Interacting with him is kind of like walking a tightrope, and us bulldozers aren't real graceful.

Since last week, pretty much 99% of my mind is occupied with thoughts of my brother and how to best help him. I feel powerless. So, I call Tim yesterday, give him the latest update on little bro, and launch into how "I REALLY NEED SOME HELP". Ya know...with the small stuff...trash, toilet bowl cleaning, vacuuming, etc. The stuff that can send you over the cliff when you are tottering on the edge.

Tim could have pointed out how he does his fair share of the housework. He could have pointed out that I, myself, am no domestic diva. He could have pointed out that I tend to agonize and get frustrated over things that I can't change, especially when it comes to little bro. All of those responses would have been reasonable. But guess what? He didn't do any of that.

He said "OK. I get it." And because he said that, I could joke about how I ought to come with an advisory warning system similar to the one Homeland Security has for terrorism. Red Alert! Severe Risk! Tammy may whack out at any moment!

I heart my husband.

Two years that feel like twenty...

Just kidding honey!



On Saturday, Tim and I went back to Nashoba Valley Winery and J's Restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. Yummy!

Playing Hard to Get

On June 27th, 2004, Tim and I got married at Nashoba Valley Winery in Bolton, MA, and had our wedding reception at the restaurant on the winery's grounds. It was, I dare say, a great wedding. By this I mean, the ceremony was outside, personal, and short, it was laid-back, it was small, the food and wine were good, and people laughed a lot.

How we got there is a funny story.

I met Tim in 1994, as we were both entering students in Boston College's PhD program in economics. At that time, I was seriously involved with, but not yet married to, my former husband, M., who I was with for 5 years before we married. In the last two weeks of August, all entering students had to attend a two week math prep session. So, I walk into the classroom on the first day...there are only a few people already there, and one is this guy who has a face that makes me stop and think "If I could pick what my husband looked like, that would be it".

Now, as you can imagine, Tim likes to tell this story, because he was the guy with the face.

It was not a GQ face. I love my man, but he is not going to give Pierce Bronson or Liam Neeson a run for their money. But it was a face that belonged to someone who was kind, gentle, smart, someone that smiled and laughed a lot. And he was tall.

But, of course, I do not announce this to the classroom. And I was very much in love with M., even though our relationship was hard. You see, I believed that when two decent people love each other, they can make it work. And so I worked at making it work. All the time.

One day M. picks me up from math camp, and we are driving down the road, and see Tim walking home. Tim smiles and waves, and I do the same.
M.: Who's that?
Me: Tim Murphy...he's in my class.
M.: Looks like nice guy.
Me: Yeah, he is.

So, Tim and I are friends. Weirdly, our class separates like jr. high schoolers along gender and nationality lines (Americans vs. everyone else, all of whom think Americans are stupid). Tim is much more mathematically inclined than me, and sails through. I struggle, but still love economics. We occasionally talk on the phone at night or on weekends, and joke about how we'll be ostracized if anyone in our class finds out we talk to each other. Life goes on with both Tim and I hating the program with a passion. I leave BC and eventually go somewhere else to get a Ph.D. in environmental economics, which BC does not offer. Tim wisely decides BC and a Ph.D. are not for him, earns a master's degree, and goes into the private sector as a consultant.

Time passes. Tim gets seriously involved with a woman, and considers marrying her...but can't figure out why he can't quite pop the question. I get married to M. in 1999, and Tim attends the wedding as my good graduate school friend, one of the few I have from BC. We continue to chat on the phone now and again. Tim builds his career, I get my doctorate, and start a position at Middlebury College in VT. We plan a visit that falls through because I am driving back from the Green Mountains in VT and my car goes off the road...several times.

Fast forward to March 2002. Tim and I finally meet for a visit...I am now at a university in Boston. My marriage is in bad shape...M. and I are in marriage counseling, which we eventually get kicked out of. I go to Tim's place after I've been on the road driving back from a visit in VT. with my female friend D. Tim opens the door to his apt., and stares at me like I have two heads. He does not offer me anything to eat. I ask how his girlfriend is doing, and he tells me they just broke up. Oh. Being the talker amongst us, I ramble on about nothing for about 5 hours. We go for a walk. I talk about having become a Big Sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. I talk about my teaching, my research. I talk about why I go to church. I say that I think my marriage is over. Tim is not surprised. I tell him that I am getting a dog. Tim continues to stare at me like I have two heads. He continues to not offer me food. I figure he is shell-shocked from the break-up with his former girlfriend. I leave, immediately drive into the nearest Burger King, and get a Whopper Value Meal.

Fast forward to June 2002. I am, in short, a mess. I have left M., in a way that could only be described in a much longer post. An incredibly painful way. I have walked out of my home with a few plastic bags stuffed with random stuff, because I feel so bad about leaving that I can't bear to tear up the home in anyway. I think about what it means to have stood before your friends and God, and pledged your forevers to someone, fully believing that you will spend the rest of your lives together. I think about what it means to break a promise like that. I think about how I arrogantly believed I would never get divorced. I think about how I love M., but I am not in love with him anymore. I think about his family, which I adopted as my own, and how they will be gone from my lives. I am, in short, a mess. I am completely sleep deprived, I hate myself and what I've done, and I am somewhat manic. I am weighed by a medical professional and am astounded. I weigh less than I did in high school.

I stay with my friend Carla for a few days, and then I am in my big empty apt. But I am determined to make it mine. I spend loads of money in a few short days. I buy furniture, eating utensils, curtains, towels, sheets, toilet bowl brushes. I buy clothes that fit my body, which has become half the size of my normal body. Carla gets me through these purchases, by forcing me not to agonize over each one, by making me sit down in the stores when I feel like I am going to pass out. She, unfortunately, does not win the lottery for me. I end up with a lot of debt. But I don't care. I can't care. I am in survival mode.

June 9th, I call Tim from my cell phone. I am in a T-station, waiting to pick up someone that's going to help me paint my new empty place. I call Tim to tell him I have a new number, address, etc., and he says "Funny you should call today". I realize it's his birthday and feel horrible. I immediately apologize. He's alone on his birthday, and I've committed to this painting thing, so I ask him if he wants to come down and watch me and the other person paint, and then we'll all go out to dinner. Shockingly, he turns me down.

He comes down a few weeks later...I want him to help me pick out electronic equipment, and I don't want to get ripped off. We eat Chinese food. He tells me about some chick in Canada he'd met on the Internet some time ago and kept a correspondence with, and that there's mutual interest now that he is no longer with his former girlfriend. He met her in Canada in May. But the relationship is impractical since he's not ready to move to Canada, and she's not ready to move to the US. I tell him about how low I've sunk...and the whole ugly story of the week of my departure from M. He tells me that the person who helped me paint has a thing for me, an idea which I dismiss. His Canadian chick knows he is out with me, so she calls him on his cell phone under the pretense of asking him for advice about lottery numbers. He hangs up, telling me she's jealous. I am thinking, "Of what"?

He guides me through the purchase of a TV, a DVD player, a receiver, speakers. I end up with a big bill, but a system I love. We watch a few movies, one of which is "You Can Count on Me", one of my favorite movies of all time, since it seems it could be the story of my brother and me. I tell him how much I love the song "Pilgrim" by Steve Earle, which is played at the end of the film. He tells me "I would never listen to music like that". I think he's a jerk at that particular moment.

Tim and I see each other a couple of times over the summer. We realize we're in trouble. I think it's too soon to be seeing someone. I don't want to get my heart trampled on, because I am, in many ways, still a train wreck. One friend of mine tells me to cut him out of my life, because I am too vulnerable to have my heart played with. Tim thinks he doesn't want to be tied down. He's worn out from his previous relationship. He and Canadian chick continue to toy with the idea of a future. I decide there is no way I am going to try and compete with that. I tell him so. I tell him I don't want to be the local girl...the choice of ease. I also tell him I am a one-man woman, and expect a man to be a one-woman man. But we see each other now and then. And we enjoy each other. There's an easiness we've never known before. We fit. I can breathe. He falls in love with my dog, sweet Indie. She falls in love with him.

Suddenly the Canadian chick is out of the picture permanently. He hasn't seen her since May, and tells her there is no future for them. In August, we decide we are a couple. In September, there are declarations of love and there are tears of joy. In December 2002, I go to his hometown in Minnesota, where I meet his parents and siblings. His parents and sister wonder if he is rebound man. By the end of the visit, they know he is not. In April 2003, we move into a new apt. together. In December 2003, he proposes. Tim tells people that although we've only dated for less than two years, we've known each other for almost ten years. He tells them I played hard to get by marrying someone else. And of course, he tells them the first day of math class story, a story it took me eight years to tell him. In June 2004, we get married. In October 2004, we bring another dog, Buca, into our lives. In February 2005, we begin our adoption paperwork. In April 2005, we put an offer down on our first home and it's accepted.

That's the story of us. And now, we wait for the next chapter. Sometimes I am dizzy from the pace of it all. I am still astounded that we became a couple so quickly, that we married and decided to start a family so quickly, so easily. But in many ways, the last 10 years have been leading me to this path. Because although Tim and I occasionally want to strangle each other, it's an easy relationship. And I don't have to work so hard for so little. I work less and have more with Tim. I am me again.

So, two years ago, we exchanged vows. They were different than my first set of vows. I was scared, but not scared at the same time. And it's looking good.
I can honestly say I believe I am going to spend the rest of my life with Tim.
I could be wrong. But I don't think so.

We were married by my dear friend Andy, and here's how it went.

READINGS
Love by Roy Croft
Chosen by Tammy for Tim
I love you not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you brought out;
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart
and passing over all the foolish, weak things
that you can't help dimly see there,
and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings
that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you because you are helping me
to make the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple,
out of the works of my everyday not a reproach but a song
You have done it without a touch, without a word.
You have done it by being yourself,
my companion and comforter, guide and friend,
the one I love.

Married Love
by Kuan Tao-sheng, 14th century, translated by Kenneth Rexroth
Chosen by Tim for Tammy
You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.

WEDDING VOWS
I, Tim, choose you, Tammy, to be my wife.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.

I, Tammy, choose you, Tim, to be my husband.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.

RING EXCHANGE VOWS
I give you this ring
as a sign of my commitment and the desire of my heart.
May it always be a reminder
that I have chosen you above all others,
and from this day forward,
we shall be united as husband and wife.

WEDDING PRAYER/BLESSING
May all that you are, always be in love;
May all that is love, always be in you.
May your love be as beautiful on each day you share as it is on this day of celebration. And may each day you share be as precious to you as the day when you first fell in love. May you always see and encourage the best in each other. May the challenges life brings your way make your marriage even stronger. And may you always be each other's best friend and greatest love.








Happy Anniversary, Darling. Thank you for giving me the life I've dreamed of...all except the wrestling and flexing parts. Here's to us, and Isabella, wherever she may be.