Playing Hard to Get
On June 27th, 2004, Tim and I got married at Nashoba Valley Winery in Bolton, MA, and had our wedding reception at the restaurant on the winery's grounds. It was, I dare say, a great wedding. By this I mean, the ceremony was outside, personal, and short, it was laid-back, it was small, the food and wine were good, and people laughed a lot.
How we got there is a funny story.
I met Tim in 1994, as we were both entering students in Boston College's PhD program in economics. At that time, I was seriously involved with, but not yet married to, my former husband, M., who I was with for 5 years before we married. In the last two weeks of August, all entering students had to attend a two week math prep session. So, I walk into the classroom on the first day...there are only a few people already there, and one is this guy who has a face that makes me stop and think "If I could pick what my husband looked like, that would be it".
Now, as you can imagine, Tim likes to tell this story, because he was the guy with the face.
It was not a GQ face. I love my man, but he is not going to give Pierce Bronson or Liam Neeson a run for their money. But it was a face that belonged to someone who was kind, gentle, smart, someone that smiled and laughed a lot. And he was tall.
But, of course, I do not announce this to the classroom. And I was very much in love with M., even though our relationship was hard. You see, I believed that when two decent people love each other, they can make it work. And so I worked at making it work. All the time.
One day M. picks me up from math camp, and we are driving down the road, and see Tim walking home. Tim smiles and waves, and I do the same.
M.: Who's that?
Me: Tim Murphy...he's in my class.
M.: Looks like nice guy.
Me: Yeah, he is.
So, Tim and I are friends. Weirdly, our class separates like jr. high schoolers along gender and nationality lines (Americans vs. everyone else, all of whom think Americans are stupid). Tim is much more mathematically inclined than me, and sails through. I struggle, but still love economics. We occasionally talk on the phone at night or on weekends, and joke about how we'll be ostracized if anyone in our class finds out we talk to each other. Life goes on with both Tim and I hating the program with a passion. I leave BC and eventually go somewhere else to get a Ph.D. in environmental economics, which BC does not offer. Tim wisely decides BC and a Ph.D. are not for him, earns a master's degree, and goes into the private sector as a consultant.
Time passes. Tim gets seriously involved with a woman, and considers marrying her...but can't figure out why he can't quite pop the question. I get married to M. in 1999, and Tim attends the wedding as my good graduate school friend, one of the few I have from BC. We continue to chat on the phone now and again. Tim builds his career, I get my doctorate, and start a position at Middlebury College in VT. We plan a visit that falls through because I am driving back from the Green Mountains in VT and my car goes off the road...several times.
Fast forward to March 2002. Tim and I finally meet for a visit...I am now at a university in Boston. My marriage is in bad shape...M. and I are in marriage counseling, which we eventually get kicked out of. I go to Tim's place after I've been on the road driving back from a visit in VT. with my female friend D. Tim opens the door to his apt., and stares at me like I have two heads. He does not offer me anything to eat. I ask how his girlfriend is doing, and he tells me they just broke up. Oh. Being the talker amongst us, I ramble on about nothing for about 5 hours. We go for a walk. I talk about having become a Big Sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. I talk about my teaching, my research. I talk about why I go to church. I say that I think my marriage is over. Tim is not surprised. I tell him that I am getting a dog. Tim continues to stare at me like I have two heads. He continues to not offer me food. I figure he is shell-shocked from the break-up with his former girlfriend. I leave, immediately drive into the nearest Burger King, and get a Whopper Value Meal.
Fast forward to June 2002. I am, in short, a mess. I have left M., in a way that could only be described in a much longer post. An incredibly painful way. I have walked out of my home with a few plastic bags stuffed with random stuff, because I feel so bad about leaving that I can't bear to tear up the home in anyway. I think about what it means to have stood before your friends and God, and pledged your forevers to someone, fully believing that you will spend the rest of your lives together. I think about what it means to break a promise like that. I think about how I arrogantly believed I would never get divorced. I think about how I love M., but I am not in love with him anymore. I think about his family, which I adopted as my own, and how they will be gone from my lives. I am, in short, a mess. I am completely sleep deprived, I hate myself and what I've done, and I am somewhat manic. I am weighed by a medical professional and am astounded. I weigh less than I did in high school.
I stay with my friend Carla for a few days, and then I am in my big empty apt. But I am determined to make it mine. I spend loads of money in a few short days. I buy furniture, eating utensils, curtains, towels, sheets, toilet bowl brushes. I buy clothes that fit my body, which has become half the size of my normal body. Carla gets me through these purchases, by forcing me not to agonize over each one, by making me sit down in the stores when I feel like I am going to pass out. She, unfortunately, does not win the lottery for me. I end up with a lot of debt. But I don't care. I can't care. I am in survival mode.
June 9th, I call Tim from my cell phone. I am in a T-station, waiting to pick up someone that's going to help me paint my new empty place. I call Tim to tell him I have a new number, address, etc., and he says "Funny you should call today". I realize it's his birthday and feel horrible. I immediately apologize. He's alone on his birthday, and I've committed to this painting thing, so I ask him if he wants to come down and watch me and the other person paint, and then we'll all go out to dinner. Shockingly, he turns me down.
He comes down a few weeks later...I want him to help me pick out electronic equipment, and I don't want to get ripped off. We eat Chinese food. He tells me about some chick in Canada he'd met on the Internet some time ago and kept a correspondence with, and that there's mutual interest now that he is no longer with his former girlfriend. He met her in Canada in May. But the relationship is impractical since he's not ready to move to Canada, and she's not ready to move to the US. I tell him about how low I've sunk...and the whole ugly story of the week of my departure from M. He tells me that the person who helped me paint has a thing for me, an idea which I dismiss. His Canadian chick knows he is out with me, so she calls him on his cell phone under the pretense of asking him for advice about lottery numbers. He hangs up, telling me she's jealous. I am thinking, "Of what"?
He guides me through the purchase of a TV, a DVD player, a receiver, speakers. I end up with a big bill, but a system I love. We watch a few movies, one of which is "You Can Count on Me", one of my favorite movies of all time, since it seems it could be the story of my brother and me. I tell him how much I love the song "Pilgrim" by Steve Earle, which is played at the end of the film. He tells me "I would never listen to music like that". I think he's a jerk at that particular moment.
Tim and I see each other a couple of times over the summer. We realize we're in trouble. I think it's too soon to be seeing someone. I don't want to get my heart trampled on, because I am, in many ways, still a train wreck. One friend of mine tells me to cut him out of my life, because I am too vulnerable to have my heart played with. Tim thinks he doesn't want to be tied down. He's worn out from his previous relationship. He and Canadian chick continue to toy with the idea of a future. I decide there is no way I am going to try and compete with that. I tell him so. I tell him I don't want to be the local girl...the choice of ease. I also tell him I am a one-man woman, and expect a man to be a one-woman man. But we see each other now and then. And we enjoy each other. There's an easiness we've never known before. We fit. I can breathe. He falls in love with my dog, sweet Indie. She falls in love with him.
Suddenly the Canadian chick is out of the picture permanently. He hasn't seen her since May, and tells her there is no future for them. In August, we decide we are a couple. In September, there are declarations of love and there are tears of joy. In December 2002, I go to his hometown in Minnesota, where I meet his parents and siblings. His parents and sister wonder if he is rebound man. By the end of the visit, they know he is not. In April 2003, we move into a new apt. together. In December 2003, he proposes. Tim tells people that although we've only dated for less than two years, we've known each other for almost ten years. He tells them I played hard to get by marrying someone else. And of course, he tells them the first day of math class story, a story it took me eight years to tell him. In June 2004, we get married. In October 2004, we bring another dog, Buca, into our lives. In February 2005, we begin our adoption paperwork. In April 2005, we put an offer down on our first home and it's accepted.
That's the story of us. And now, we wait for the next chapter. Sometimes I am dizzy from the pace of it all. I am still astounded that we became a couple so quickly, that we married and decided to start a family so quickly, so easily. But in many ways, the last 10 years have been leading me to this path. Because although Tim and I occasionally want to strangle each other, it's an easy relationship. And I don't have to work so hard for so little. I work less and have more with Tim. I am me again.
So, two years ago, we exchanged vows. They were different than my first set of vows. I was scared, but not scared at the same time. And it's looking good.
I can honestly say I believe I am going to spend the rest of my life with Tim.
I could be wrong. But I don't think so.
We were married by my dear friend Andy, and here's how it went.
READINGS
Love by Roy Croft
Chosen by Tammy for Tim
I love you not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you brought out;
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart
and passing over all the foolish, weak things
that you can't help dimly see there,
and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings
that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you because you are helping me
to make the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple,
out of the works of my everyday not a reproach but a song
You have done it without a touch, without a word.
You have done it by being yourself,
my companion and comforter, guide and friend,
the one I love.
Married Love
by Kuan Tao-sheng, 14th century, translated by Kenneth Rexroth
Chosen by Tim for Tammy
You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.
WEDDING VOWS
I, Tim, choose you, Tammy, to be my wife.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.
I, Tammy, choose you, Tim, to be my husband.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.
RING EXCHANGE VOWS
I give you this ring
as a sign of my commitment and the desire of my heart.
May it always be a reminder
that I have chosen you above all others,
and from this day forward,
we shall be united as husband and wife.
WEDDING PRAYER/BLESSING
May all that you are, always be in love;
May all that is love, always be in you.
May your love be as beautiful on each day you share as it is on this day of celebration. And may each day you share be as precious to you as the day when you first fell in love. May you always see and encourage the best in each other. May the challenges life brings your way make your marriage even stronger. And may you always be each other's best friend and greatest love.
Happy Anniversary, Darling. Thank you for giving me the life I've dreamed of...all except the wrestling and flexing parts. Here's to us, and Isabella, wherever she may be.
How we got there is a funny story.
I met Tim in 1994, as we were both entering students in Boston College's PhD program in economics. At that time, I was seriously involved with, but not yet married to, my former husband, M., who I was with for 5 years before we married. In the last two weeks of August, all entering students had to attend a two week math prep session. So, I walk into the classroom on the first day...there are only a few people already there, and one is this guy who has a face that makes me stop and think "If I could pick what my husband looked like, that would be it".
Now, as you can imagine, Tim likes to tell this story, because he was the guy with the face.
It was not a GQ face. I love my man, but he is not going to give Pierce Bronson or Liam Neeson a run for their money. But it was a face that belonged to someone who was kind, gentle, smart, someone that smiled and laughed a lot. And he was tall.
But, of course, I do not announce this to the classroom. And I was very much in love with M., even though our relationship was hard. You see, I believed that when two decent people love each other, they can make it work. And so I worked at making it work. All the time.
One day M. picks me up from math camp, and we are driving down the road, and see Tim walking home. Tim smiles and waves, and I do the same.
M.: Who's that?
Me: Tim Murphy...he's in my class.
M.: Looks like nice guy.
Me: Yeah, he is.
So, Tim and I are friends. Weirdly, our class separates like jr. high schoolers along gender and nationality lines (Americans vs. everyone else, all of whom think Americans are stupid). Tim is much more mathematically inclined than me, and sails through. I struggle, but still love economics. We occasionally talk on the phone at night or on weekends, and joke about how we'll be ostracized if anyone in our class finds out we talk to each other. Life goes on with both Tim and I hating the program with a passion. I leave BC and eventually go somewhere else to get a Ph.D. in environmental economics, which BC does not offer. Tim wisely decides BC and a Ph.D. are not for him, earns a master's degree, and goes into the private sector as a consultant.
Time passes. Tim gets seriously involved with a woman, and considers marrying her...but can't figure out why he can't quite pop the question. I get married to M. in 1999, and Tim attends the wedding as my good graduate school friend, one of the few I have from BC. We continue to chat on the phone now and again. Tim builds his career, I get my doctorate, and start a position at Middlebury College in VT. We plan a visit that falls through because I am driving back from the Green Mountains in VT and my car goes off the road...several times.
Fast forward to March 2002. Tim and I finally meet for a visit...I am now at a university in Boston. My marriage is in bad shape...M. and I are in marriage counseling, which we eventually get kicked out of. I go to Tim's place after I've been on the road driving back from a visit in VT. with my female friend D. Tim opens the door to his apt., and stares at me like I have two heads. He does not offer me anything to eat. I ask how his girlfriend is doing, and he tells me they just broke up. Oh. Being the talker amongst us, I ramble on about nothing for about 5 hours. We go for a walk. I talk about having become a Big Sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. I talk about my teaching, my research. I talk about why I go to church. I say that I think my marriage is over. Tim is not surprised. I tell him that I am getting a dog. Tim continues to stare at me like I have two heads. He continues to not offer me food. I figure he is shell-shocked from the break-up with his former girlfriend. I leave, immediately drive into the nearest Burger King, and get a Whopper Value Meal.
Fast forward to June 2002. I am, in short, a mess. I have left M., in a way that could only be described in a much longer post. An incredibly painful way. I have walked out of my home with a few plastic bags stuffed with random stuff, because I feel so bad about leaving that I can't bear to tear up the home in anyway. I think about what it means to have stood before your friends and God, and pledged your forevers to someone, fully believing that you will spend the rest of your lives together. I think about what it means to break a promise like that. I think about how I arrogantly believed I would never get divorced. I think about how I love M., but I am not in love with him anymore. I think about his family, which I adopted as my own, and how they will be gone from my lives. I am, in short, a mess. I am completely sleep deprived, I hate myself and what I've done, and I am somewhat manic. I am weighed by a medical professional and am astounded. I weigh less than I did in high school.
I stay with my friend Carla for a few days, and then I am in my big empty apt. But I am determined to make it mine. I spend loads of money in a few short days. I buy furniture, eating utensils, curtains, towels, sheets, toilet bowl brushes. I buy clothes that fit my body, which has become half the size of my normal body. Carla gets me through these purchases, by forcing me not to agonize over each one, by making me sit down in the stores when I feel like I am going to pass out. She, unfortunately, does not win the lottery for me. I end up with a lot of debt. But I don't care. I can't care. I am in survival mode.
June 9th, I call Tim from my cell phone. I am in a T-station, waiting to pick up someone that's going to help me paint my new empty place. I call Tim to tell him I have a new number, address, etc., and he says "Funny you should call today". I realize it's his birthday and feel horrible. I immediately apologize. He's alone on his birthday, and I've committed to this painting thing, so I ask him if he wants to come down and watch me and the other person paint, and then we'll all go out to dinner. Shockingly, he turns me down.
He comes down a few weeks later...I want him to help me pick out electronic equipment, and I don't want to get ripped off. We eat Chinese food. He tells me about some chick in Canada he'd met on the Internet some time ago and kept a correspondence with, and that there's mutual interest now that he is no longer with his former girlfriend. He met her in Canada in May. But the relationship is impractical since he's not ready to move to Canada, and she's not ready to move to the US. I tell him about how low I've sunk...and the whole ugly story of the week of my departure from M. He tells me that the person who helped me paint has a thing for me, an idea which I dismiss. His Canadian chick knows he is out with me, so she calls him on his cell phone under the pretense of asking him for advice about lottery numbers. He hangs up, telling me she's jealous. I am thinking, "Of what"?
He guides me through the purchase of a TV, a DVD player, a receiver, speakers. I end up with a big bill, but a system I love. We watch a few movies, one of which is "You Can Count on Me", one of my favorite movies of all time, since it seems it could be the story of my brother and me. I tell him how much I love the song "Pilgrim" by Steve Earle, which is played at the end of the film. He tells me "I would never listen to music like that". I think he's a jerk at that particular moment.
Tim and I see each other a couple of times over the summer. We realize we're in trouble. I think it's too soon to be seeing someone. I don't want to get my heart trampled on, because I am, in many ways, still a train wreck. One friend of mine tells me to cut him out of my life, because I am too vulnerable to have my heart played with. Tim thinks he doesn't want to be tied down. He's worn out from his previous relationship. He and Canadian chick continue to toy with the idea of a future. I decide there is no way I am going to try and compete with that. I tell him so. I tell him I don't want to be the local girl...the choice of ease. I also tell him I am a one-man woman, and expect a man to be a one-woman man. But we see each other now and then. And we enjoy each other. There's an easiness we've never known before. We fit. I can breathe. He falls in love with my dog, sweet Indie. She falls in love with him.
Suddenly the Canadian chick is out of the picture permanently. He hasn't seen her since May, and tells her there is no future for them. In August, we decide we are a couple. In September, there are declarations of love and there are tears of joy. In December 2002, I go to his hometown in Minnesota, where I meet his parents and siblings. His parents and sister wonder if he is rebound man. By the end of the visit, they know he is not. In April 2003, we move into a new apt. together. In December 2003, he proposes. Tim tells people that although we've only dated for less than two years, we've known each other for almost ten years. He tells them I played hard to get by marrying someone else. And of course, he tells them the first day of math class story, a story it took me eight years to tell him. In June 2004, we get married. In October 2004, we bring another dog, Buca, into our lives. In February 2005, we begin our adoption paperwork. In April 2005, we put an offer down on our first home and it's accepted.
That's the story of us. And now, we wait for the next chapter. Sometimes I am dizzy from the pace of it all. I am still astounded that we became a couple so quickly, that we married and decided to start a family so quickly, so easily. But in many ways, the last 10 years have been leading me to this path. Because although Tim and I occasionally want to strangle each other, it's an easy relationship. And I don't have to work so hard for so little. I work less and have more with Tim. I am me again.
So, two years ago, we exchanged vows. They were different than my first set of vows. I was scared, but not scared at the same time. And it's looking good.
I can honestly say I believe I am going to spend the rest of my life with Tim.
I could be wrong. But I don't think so.
We were married by my dear friend Andy, and here's how it went.
READINGS
Love by Roy Croft
Chosen by Tammy for Tim
I love you not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you brought out;
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart
and passing over all the foolish, weak things
that you can't help dimly see there,
and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings
that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you because you are helping me
to make the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple,
out of the works of my everyday not a reproach but a song
You have done it without a touch, without a word.
You have done it by being yourself,
my companion and comforter, guide and friend,
the one I love.
Married Love
by Kuan Tao-sheng, 14th century, translated by Kenneth Rexroth
Chosen by Tim for Tammy
You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.
WEDDING VOWS
I, Tim, choose you, Tammy, to be my wife.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.
I, Tammy, choose you, Tim, to be my husband.
I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you,
through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner,
giving the best that I can to fulfill our lives together.
RING EXCHANGE VOWS
I give you this ring
as a sign of my commitment and the desire of my heart.
May it always be a reminder
that I have chosen you above all others,
and from this day forward,
we shall be united as husband and wife.
WEDDING PRAYER/BLESSING
May all that you are, always be in love;
May all that is love, always be in you.
May your love be as beautiful on each day you share as it is on this day of celebration. And may each day you share be as precious to you as the day when you first fell in love. May you always see and encourage the best in each other. May the challenges life brings your way make your marriage even stronger. And may you always be each other's best friend and greatest love.
Happy Anniversary, Darling. Thank you for giving me the life I've dreamed of...all except the wrestling and flexing parts. Here's to us, and Isabella, wherever she may be.
Labels: Still in Love
posted by Redheaded Chick at 6:58 AM
4 Comments:
Awww...sweet. Happy Anniversary!
Congrats on your anniversary and thanks for sharing your story.
Happy Anniversary, we just had our 6th anniversay on the 24th. Let's hope that we are a family of 4 for our 7th!
Happy Anniversary. Two down, a lifetime to go. Enjoy!
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