My most recent new name

You may have noticed a few weeks ago I changed my username on Blogger from "Tammy" to "Redheaded Chick". And I started using a Modigliani piece as my "photo". I love Modigliani's work...he painted so many redheads...What's not to love? Anyway, I am not sure exactly what prompted the name change...I think I did it on one of my sleepless nights...Unfortunately there are a few too many of those.
These are the nights where all kinds of random thoughts run through my head at breakneck pace. Here are some of those that prompted the name change:

There are A LOT of Tammys out there in the adoption world. God forbid one of them should have the misfortune of being mistaken for me! I wonder how many of their fathers decided to name them after the movie "Tammy and the Bachelor" like mine did.

I am not sure what the future of my blogging activities is. I've become increasingly concerned about two things. One is our privacy...this will become an infinitely more important issue once we see Isabella's face and have her in our arms. It isn't fair of me to expose so much of her life to the general public, even if I wanted to, which I don't. The second thing is that I want some space where I can express things honestly..the good, the bad, and the ugly. And of course, at times, that would conflict with my family's privacy. I am in a bind.

Tim would like me to keep at least one family blog public, and I expect our family and friends in distant places would too. Of course, this does not resolve the issue of exactly how much of ourselves to put out there...

I would like a personal blog, some place I could write about personal, professional and family issues without a lot of identifying details. Ideally, only my closest people would know that I was the author. A place where I could try out ideas, muddle through thoughts. Yes, I want to be an undercover blogger. Cue the dramatic music.

And finally, I'd like to do an economics blog. Are you excited yet? Seriously though, I think it could be a useful forum for my students.

So, that's at least three blogs. Yikes.

Should I move to Typepad and password protect? Is there something out there better than Typepad? Jeeez. I am tired just thinking about all of this.

I certainly did not know when I first started blogging a year ago that blogging would become a big part of my life. But it has. Sometimes I think it is possible overdo it...I'd like to think that I am out there interacting in the "real world" as much as I am the "cyber world". The great thing is that these cyber connections have lead to real world connections, and for that I am very grateful. Isabella's community will be much richer than it would have been if I hadn't begun blogging.

So, back to the name change. I've had a lot of names in my life.

My mother used to call me by my full name "Tammy Lynn". Giving me the middle name "Lynn" was her way of getting back at my dad for wanting to name me "Tammy" instead of one of her picks..."Robin", "Christine", or "Kimberley". Funny, because I cannot imagine being named any of those. My mom hated it when someone just called me "Tammy", and really hated it when someone called me "Tam" or "TamTam".

Eventually, my mom lost the battle ... she could never get anyone to call me "Tammy Lynn", including my teachers. Over time, I simply became "Tammy". Most of the time.

When I was four years old, my parents separated. I woke up from an afternoon nap, and Dad was gone. I never quite got over that. By the time I was eight, they had finally gotten formally divorced. Not shocking considering my mom decided to retaliate against my dad by giving me a middle name he knew nothing about until he saw it on the birth certificate. One of my biggest fears after my dad remarried, and my new step brother suddenly had a surname that was different from his mother's surname, was that my mom would remarry, and she and I would have a different last name. For some reason, this possibility really did not sit well with me.

When I was young, my mom got into CB radio and I chose the handle "Pussywillow". Hey, I was five years old, and did not consider connotations of "Pussywillow" amongst the CB radio crowd. I just thought they were pretty. My brother wisely chose "Skateboard". My mom was dating "The Chief" and chose "Little Feather". She later dumped "The Chief", and was with "Thunderbolt" for 17 years, after which they got married. Believe me, I WISH I was making this up.

Like everyone else, I had nicknames..."Pebbles" and "Cheer Bear" in high school, and then "Chainsaw" and "Tamster" in college. Interesting how someone can go from being called "Cheer Bear" to "Chainsaw". I also got stuck with numerous monikers as a result of being a redhead in a city that is predominantly Portuguese...
"Strawberry Shortcake", "Red", "Carrot Top", and "Duracell...The Copper Top Battery".

When I was married for the first time, I took my former husband's last name for that very reason. Even though women choosing to keep their maiden names was no longer an odd choice, I liked the idea that if we had children, we'd all have the same last name. But a piece of me wanted to hang onto who I had been until then, so I changed my middle name to my maiden name, and got rid of "Lynn". My former husband had a pet name for me that he used exclusively, and it bugged me. Funny at first, but not so funny after the 1000th time. I longed to hear him call me "Tammy".

Sadly, the marriage failed. He never called me "Tammy" until after I moved out. Fortunately, the marriage did not result in any children, which made the painfully sad divorce a little easier. I had the option to return to my maiden name, but chose not to. I had a doctorate with my married name on it, and had begun a career under that name. It seemed foolish to go back to my maiden name. And what was I going to do? Change my middle name from my maiden name back to my original middle name? Confused yet?

Then Tim came along. We got engaged, and the questions started.
"What are you going to do with your name?"
"You can't keep your ex's name."
"What about your career? You can't switch your name".

For a long time, I wanted stay with my name. My professional career started with that name. Students had been calling me "Professor _____" for years at that point. Of course, I also knew that some people would never understand why I might choose to keep my former husband's name. So, I asked Tim how he felt. And he said "I don't care. It's your name".

We eventually go off to get a marriage license, and I still have no idea what I am going to do. On the form where it says "Surname after marriage", I paused for a few moments. I wrote down "M". This was no commitment, since both my former husband and current husband have surnames that start with "M". More pauses. Then I look at Tim, diligently working away at his form, I take a deep breath, and I write "urphy". So, someday, Isabella, Tim and I will all have the same surname. And this makes me happy, even if it creates problems for me occasionally.

So, here's the thing. I used to hate having red hair. It is different. People tend to remember you. People think you have a temper. People assume you are Irish. People point out that you when you blush, which you do easily, you turn the same color as your hair People comment on it all the time.

Now, I am glad I have red hair. It's a much a part of me as anything has ever been. And I'm glad because it is different. People tend to remember you. I do have a temper. I am partially Irish. I do blush easily, and turn the same color as my hair. And people comment on it all the time. Most people think it's lovely, or at least claim that they do.

I don't know if it's lovely or not. But I do know this...I am redheaded. If my grandmother is any indication, I will be redheaded for the rest of my life. I also expect to be a chick for the rest of my life...I have no sex change plans, and I hope that when I am an old woman, some part of me, even if it's in my head, will always be young.

And so "Redheaded Chick" is a name that is a keeper for me.