Sweet and Sour Moments
By now, most of you have heard the bad news...Referrals for this month will include referrals for families with log in dates between June 7th and June 15th.
At this point, we have resolved ourselves to another childless Christmas. Up until yesterday, we had hope we might have our referral by Christmas, but that seems rather unlikely now. I guess we will be buying a "Waiting for Isabella 2006" Christmas ornament to go along with our 2005 ornament.
This whole adoption has started to feel pretty surreal. I've pretty much stopped buying clothes for Isabella, because it seems ridiculous to do so. I am still doing my secret pal, bib, sock, and book swaps, but I feel a bit like a fraud in baby stores. I've even gotten to the point of paranoia...Are people laughing at me behind my back...me, the silly woman who thinks she's going to be a momma to a baby from China?
I don't even know what I want from my friends that are already parents.
Do I want to listen to lots of stories about how wonderful it is to be a parent, and how their darling little one has done xyz recently? If I am being honest, not really on some days, like those when I have a hard time seeing past my own pain.
On the other hand, do I want to be THAT person? You know THAT person...She's the person everyone has to tiptoe around, and feel as though they are walking on eggshells with because sh'e got some kind of PROBLEM. No, I REALLY don't want to be THAT person, either.
So, my dear friends...Here's the thing. I am very happy that you have found and realized your paths to parenthood. And if your little one has been born, I am really, truly interested in how he or she is doing,in seeing the pictures, and in hearing about the milestones. I just can't muster up my enthusiasm sometimes, because I am worn down by my own path. But I do realize that being a parent is the most amazing role you've ever had.
I realize this more than you know, because it's the role that I have most wanted in my life. So bear with me and Tim if we have a bit of trouble sometime...It's not that we don't love and care for you and your dear ones. It's not that we are not excited to hear about new pregnancies. We do and we are.
These moments are just bittersweet for us. Tim is a brilliant, amazing man, and he has come up with a wonderful, perfect term: "sweet and sour moments". We are both very happy for our friends that are new parents or pregnant, and very sad for ourselves. The only difference between Tim and I is that he carries his heartache inside him, with only an occasional twitch of his jaw and an occasional "I'm ready for our daughter" type comment to me. I announce my heartache on the Internet. Because this adoption has turned out to be a much longer process than we could have guessed. Because waiting is even harder than we thought it would be. Because we are waiting to take on the most amazing roles of our lives and we are getting very tired of hanging around, waiting in the wings, eating our sweet and sour chicken.
At this point, we have resolved ourselves to another childless Christmas. Up until yesterday, we had hope we might have our referral by Christmas, but that seems rather unlikely now. I guess we will be buying a "Waiting for Isabella 2006" Christmas ornament to go along with our 2005 ornament.
This whole adoption has started to feel pretty surreal. I've pretty much stopped buying clothes for Isabella, because it seems ridiculous to do so. I am still doing my secret pal, bib, sock, and book swaps, but I feel a bit like a fraud in baby stores. I've even gotten to the point of paranoia...Are people laughing at me behind my back...me, the silly woman who thinks she's going to be a momma to a baby from China?
I don't even know what I want from my friends that are already parents.
Do I want to listen to lots of stories about how wonderful it is to be a parent, and how their darling little one has done xyz recently? If I am being honest, not really on some days, like those when I have a hard time seeing past my own pain.
On the other hand, do I want to be THAT person? You know THAT person...She's the person everyone has to tiptoe around, and feel as though they are walking on eggshells with because sh'e got some kind of PROBLEM. No, I REALLY don't want to be THAT person, either.
So, my dear friends...Here's the thing. I am very happy that you have found and realized your paths to parenthood. And if your little one has been born, I am really, truly interested in how he or she is doing,in seeing the pictures, and in hearing about the milestones. I just can't muster up my enthusiasm sometimes, because I am worn down by my own path. But I do realize that being a parent is the most amazing role you've ever had.
I realize this more than you know, because it's the role that I have most wanted in my life. So bear with me and Tim if we have a bit of trouble sometime...It's not that we don't love and care for you and your dear ones. It's not that we are not excited to hear about new pregnancies. We do and we are.
These moments are just bittersweet for us. Tim is a brilliant, amazing man, and he has come up with a wonderful, perfect term: "sweet and sour moments". We are both very happy for our friends that are new parents or pregnant, and very sad for ourselves. The only difference between Tim and I is that he carries his heartache inside him, with only an occasional twitch of his jaw and an occasional "I'm ready for our daughter" type comment to me. I announce my heartache on the Internet. Because this adoption has turned out to be a much longer process than we could have guessed. Because waiting is even harder than we thought it would be. Because we are waiting to take on the most amazing roles of our lives and we are getting very tired of hanging around, waiting in the wings, eating our sweet and sour chicken.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 5:36 PM
4 Comments:
I am so very sorry. I wish I could say something to make it easier. I can only imagine how difficult this wait is for you under the current climate. All I can do is say that yes, it really sucks.
I'm sorry, I know this waiting and waiting sucks big time.
Hey there - I know how you feel and definitely share your pain this week. For some reason, this week has been harder than ever. Hang in there - we will all be in China before you know it (that is my weak attempt at being positive right now).
May your moments get sweeter and sweeter, and only your chicken remain with some sour!
I am praying we will eat sweet and sour in China, holding our sweet little ones, by Christmas! I just keep HOPING!!!
AmyC Oct DTC
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