Anticipation and Expectation
The CCAA has confirmed that the next batch of referrals will include dossiers with log-in dates up to June 28, 2005. This means that there will be referrals for 13 days worth of log-in dates, which is the most we've seen in a while!
I am cautiously optimistic. There is a lot of speculation that the CCAA's goal has been to have a one year wait period between log in date (LID) and referral date. There is a lot of hope amongst us waiters that this means CCAA will now go back to referring one month's worth of LIDs each month. This would put us receiving a referral in November, and going to China in January.
I want to think this is going to happen, because that means that we would have a referral for Christmas. We would be packing, a few weeks away from finally having Isabella in our arms. Wow. Talk about a miracle!
I had an interesting discussion with my waiting mom buddies (Kikalee, Anne, and Sparky)over a delish Chinese food dinner in Chinatown Friday night. It was about expectations. When the stakes are really up there, when there's a big possibility that I can be seriously hurt or angered by the outcome, when I am not in control, I tend to self-protect...I keep my expectations LOW. Then there's no place to go but UP. So, I am nervous about believing that I will see Isabella's precious face in a photograph by Christmas. But I so want to believe.
Expectations are interesting. I am notorious for having HIGH expectations for myself (what I can achieve, what kind of person I should be, etc.)and HIGH expectations for my students (how much they can learn, how much they can grow, how much they can achieve for themselves, etc.). And in these cases, sometimes my expectations are met, but often there's no place to go but DOWN. It's a hard way to live with yourself and it's probably very hard on my students. So why do it? Because in these cases, I have the illusion of having control. I like to think that if I just try hard enough, if I just work hard enough, if I just want it enough, or if I just teach well enough, inspire enough, be there enough, then it will happen.
But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes I don't have as much control as I would like. Sometimes I fool myself about how much control I have. Sometimes life gets in the way. I have a very hard time accepting this, and it's caused me a lot of heartache.
Yet, occasionally, there are these, well, moments. Moments when I can look in the mirror and be so proud, so amazed that I wanted it, and I did it or I was it. I was the person I wanted to be.
Other times I've not been the person other people wanted me to be, or even the person I've wanted to be. A long time ago (1993-1994 or so), I disappointed a friend badly. You know who you are, and I hope you know that I truly am sorry.
I think he thought I was a better, stronger, less selfish person than I really am. He was angry and hurt,and I remember him saying to me "You really let me down". And all I could say was that if you love and respect someone enough, they are going to let you down sometimes. Because no one can be all things wonderful all the time, and no one can hurt you like the people you love.
So, I am not sure what I am trying to say here. Maybe in the end, my life has been about being a turtle in a constant struggle over whether to retreat into my shell, hunker down, self-protect or to stick my neck out, and risk getting my neck cut off because I want to be known in the world, because I want to see the world.
Sometimes I want people to see my face, and I want to see the faces of others. I want to love, I want to do, and I want to hope. And hey look at me, I have something to offer. Sometimes I want to be anonymous and protected by my shell...Don't look at me, don't expect too much from me, because I am slow, I am not much to look at and I will fail you. Don't cut my neck off or step on me.
Maybe it's all about knowing when to do what, and you only learn that by trial and error.
Or maybe I should find a way to deal with my insomnia that doesn't involve the prescription medication I struggle to decide whether or not to take each night, stop writing nonsense and try to get some sleep.
I am cautiously optimistic. There is a lot of speculation that the CCAA's goal has been to have a one year wait period between log in date (LID) and referral date. There is a lot of hope amongst us waiters that this means CCAA will now go back to referring one month's worth of LIDs each month. This would put us receiving a referral in November, and going to China in January.
I want to think this is going to happen, because that means that we would have a referral for Christmas. We would be packing, a few weeks away from finally having Isabella in our arms. Wow. Talk about a miracle!
I had an interesting discussion with my waiting mom buddies (Kikalee, Anne, and Sparky)over a delish Chinese food dinner in Chinatown Friday night. It was about expectations. When the stakes are really up there, when there's a big possibility that I can be seriously hurt or angered by the outcome, when I am not in control, I tend to self-protect...I keep my expectations LOW. Then there's no place to go but UP. So, I am nervous about believing that I will see Isabella's precious face in a photograph by Christmas. But I so want to believe.
Expectations are interesting. I am notorious for having HIGH expectations for myself (what I can achieve, what kind of person I should be, etc.)and HIGH expectations for my students (how much they can learn, how much they can grow, how much they can achieve for themselves, etc.). And in these cases, sometimes my expectations are met, but often there's no place to go but DOWN. It's a hard way to live with yourself and it's probably very hard on my students. So why do it? Because in these cases, I have the illusion of having control. I like to think that if I just try hard enough, if I just work hard enough, if I just want it enough, or if I just teach well enough, inspire enough, be there enough, then it will happen.
But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes I don't have as much control as I would like. Sometimes I fool myself about how much control I have. Sometimes life gets in the way. I have a very hard time accepting this, and it's caused me a lot of heartache.
Yet, occasionally, there are these, well, moments. Moments when I can look in the mirror and be so proud, so amazed that I wanted it, and I did it or I was it. I was the person I wanted to be.
Other times I've not been the person other people wanted me to be, or even the person I've wanted to be. A long time ago (1993-1994 or so), I disappointed a friend badly. You know who you are, and I hope you know that I truly am sorry.
I think he thought I was a better, stronger, less selfish person than I really am. He was angry and hurt,and I remember him saying to me "You really let me down". And all I could say was that if you love and respect someone enough, they are going to let you down sometimes. Because no one can be all things wonderful all the time, and no one can hurt you like the people you love.
So, I am not sure what I am trying to say here. Maybe in the end, my life has been about being a turtle in a constant struggle over whether to retreat into my shell, hunker down, self-protect or to stick my neck out, and risk getting my neck cut off because I want to be known in the world, because I want to see the world.
Sometimes I want people to see my face, and I want to see the faces of others. I want to love, I want to do, and I want to hope. And hey look at me, I have something to offer. Sometimes I want to be anonymous and protected by my shell...Don't look at me, don't expect too much from me, because I am slow, I am not much to look at and I will fail you. Don't cut my neck off or step on me.
Maybe it's all about knowing when to do what, and you only learn that by trial and error.
Or maybe I should find a way to deal with my insomnia that doesn't involve the prescription medication I struggle to decide whether or not to take each night, stop writing nonsense and try to get some sleep.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 3:42 AM
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