Judgments
Today I have spent most of the day thinking about a disrupted adoption from China, which I read a bit about here. Here's what I can make out...A couple adopted their first child from China in February 2006. They named her Charlotte. Apparently, they recently decided to disrupt the adoption, and the baby girl is now living with another family in the US, a family that has two older daughters that were also adopted from China. Apparently, this family was looking to bring a third daughter into their home, and now they have.
Looking back at this blog's previous entries, it would appear that this couple wanted to be parents as much as we do.
So, the initial reaction is "What the hell happened?". It's not clear from the woman's blog, and I am not sure it ever could be...it's her story and as she had indicated, she doesn't have to explain herself on her own blog. She does talk about her post-adoption depression and spending her first months with Charlotte while trying to get over a bad sinus infection. She talks about expectations that were not met. She talks about not feeling as though this child was not hers.
If you are waiting for a child from China, as so many of my readers are, this seems almost unbelievable. Anyone who's done any reading on adoption from China knows that the picture perfect, smiling, happy baby, Gotcha moment is a rarity. Everyone knows that most babies are pretty damn distressed...And why shouldn't they be? They've just been placed into the arms of a woman that looks nothing like any of their nannies or their foster mother, a woman who is most likely uttering endearments in English or poor Chinese, a woman who may very well be crying herself. Of course, the tears are likely tears of joy, but the baby doesn't know that. And some babies stay distressed for quite some time. The bonding and attachment processes are different for each child, for each family. We hope that ours goes fairly smoothly, but we know it may not.
We know ... The thing is that it is one thing to know, and another thing to actually be in those moments. Those first months of parenting are something that I can only guess about right now. I have hopes, I have dreams, and I have ideas, but I know some of those things will be tossed out along with the dirty diapers. I will have to learn, I will have to grow. I am a person who loves and needs her space, her quiet, thinking time. I will have to adapt to not getting that at the exact moment I might want it. I hate feeling like a failure. I will have to accept that sometimes, as a parent, I will inevitably fail. I'll have to suck it up and move on. It won't be about just me and Tim anymore.
Isabella and I will have to feel each other out, get to know each other quirks. But life will be mostly about her needs, not mine or Tim's. I believe, from the bottom of my soul, that we will love her more than anything and that she will come to know that, to trust that.
This is what I feel, this is what I believe. I had to trust these feelings to begin the adoption process.
Part of me is angry that a couple could have been given such a gift, such a treasure from the Chinese people, and let her go. But another part of me thinks that this was perhaps the ultimate act of love. They couldn't be parents even though they initially wanted to be. So they gave her to people that could be the parents that she deserved.
If this couple's distress had resulted in abuse or neglect of the baby, the adoption community would be all over them...We've seen it before when adoptive parents have suffered from mental illness, and have hurt or killed their babies. We are all quick to shake our heads. I've done it myself.
"How could they?"
Right now though, I am trying not to judge. I don't think I'll ever understand, but that doesn't mean I have a right to judge. Because the job I want more than anything is still an unknown one to me. I haven't walked this couple's path.
This evening, I am praying. For Charlotte, that she has found her forever family and will know their love always. For the couple that gave Charlotte up, that they reflect on their path, and while they may not find answers, that they find peace. For Tim and I, that we never find ourselves unable to parent, for whatever reason.
That our feelings are true, and that while I know we won't be perfect parents, that we will be good parents.
And for Isabella, of course.
Looking back at this blog's previous entries, it would appear that this couple wanted to be parents as much as we do.
So, the initial reaction is "What the hell happened?". It's not clear from the woman's blog, and I am not sure it ever could be...it's her story and as she had indicated, she doesn't have to explain herself on her own blog. She does talk about her post-adoption depression and spending her first months with Charlotte while trying to get over a bad sinus infection. She talks about expectations that were not met. She talks about not feeling as though this child was not hers.
If you are waiting for a child from China, as so many of my readers are, this seems almost unbelievable. Anyone who's done any reading on adoption from China knows that the picture perfect, smiling, happy baby, Gotcha moment is a rarity. Everyone knows that most babies are pretty damn distressed...And why shouldn't they be? They've just been placed into the arms of a woman that looks nothing like any of their nannies or their foster mother, a woman who is most likely uttering endearments in English or poor Chinese, a woman who may very well be crying herself. Of course, the tears are likely tears of joy, but the baby doesn't know that. And some babies stay distressed for quite some time. The bonding and attachment processes are different for each child, for each family. We hope that ours goes fairly smoothly, but we know it may not.
We know ... The thing is that it is one thing to know, and another thing to actually be in those moments. Those first months of parenting are something that I can only guess about right now. I have hopes, I have dreams, and I have ideas, but I know some of those things will be tossed out along with the dirty diapers. I will have to learn, I will have to grow. I am a person who loves and needs her space, her quiet, thinking time. I will have to adapt to not getting that at the exact moment I might want it. I hate feeling like a failure. I will have to accept that sometimes, as a parent, I will inevitably fail. I'll have to suck it up and move on. It won't be about just me and Tim anymore.
Isabella and I will have to feel each other out, get to know each other quirks. But life will be mostly about her needs, not mine or Tim's. I believe, from the bottom of my soul, that we will love her more than anything and that she will come to know that, to trust that.
This is what I feel, this is what I believe. I had to trust these feelings to begin the adoption process.
Part of me is angry that a couple could have been given such a gift, such a treasure from the Chinese people, and let her go. But another part of me thinks that this was perhaps the ultimate act of love. They couldn't be parents even though they initially wanted to be. So they gave her to people that could be the parents that she deserved.
If this couple's distress had resulted in abuse or neglect of the baby, the adoption community would be all over them...We've seen it before when adoptive parents have suffered from mental illness, and have hurt or killed their babies. We are all quick to shake our heads. I've done it myself.
"How could they?"
Right now though, I am trying not to judge. I don't think I'll ever understand, but that doesn't mean I have a right to judge. Because the job I want more than anything is still an unknown one to me. I haven't walked this couple's path.
This evening, I am praying. For Charlotte, that she has found her forever family and will know their love always. For the couple that gave Charlotte up, that they reflect on their path, and while they may not find answers, that they find peace. For Tim and I, that we never find ourselves unable to parent, for whatever reason.
That our feelings are true, and that while I know we won't be perfect parents, that we will be good parents.
And for Isabella, of course.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 5:26 PM
5 Comments:
I'm trying not to judge too but I can't help wondering. I wonder how Charlotte is going to feel when she is old enough to process that she was "given up" not once but twice? Yes, she is better off with the family she has now but still.
I'm trying to put myself in their shoes but honestly I can't get past the fact that they only gave it 2 months. Any major life change takes more time than that to adjust to.
I haven't walked in their shoes and God willing I never will but I'm having a hard time not judging them. Sorry.
That is SO sad..the poor child :'( & i agree with sparkys comment about her first family not giving it a chance just giving up and after all that paperwork and waiting...in my opinion thats just wrong, i mean more or likely it WILL be hard the first couple of months with Chloe but i just can't imagine giving up on her..its just wrong!
I too agree with Sparky. I cannot begin to imagine the feelings - I only know I dream of Hannah every single minute! None of us who have never had children know. I so do not want to judge...But I just can't imagine. :(
Colleen~
Damn, I haven't heard of this one. I have heard rare rumblings of parents deciding not to adopt while in China. The whole time in China was just so surreal, I could barely decide what to eat for dinner, nevermind a major life choice. You're right about learning as you go along. I'm glad I was in the dark about lot of parenting theories. Instead, I relied upon my friends, family and coworkers who were already parents or grandparents. I also lived by the motto, "When in doubt, fake it and be calm." ~ Sarah
Like others have said this couple DID NOT give it enough time. We have been home for almost 5 months with EmmaLi and I can honestly say that it is just now STARTING to feel normal around here!! Post adoption depression is very common (although many won't admit to it or even seek help)There have been many days I haven't liked her but I will ALWAYS love her! These people were obvious not prepaired for the reality of life with a child, adopted or not, but that is just my opinion!!!!!
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