Sleepless Again
Well, I woke up at 2:30 am, and here I am at 5:25 am. Couldn't sleep. As those of you close to me know, I have an insomnia problem from time to time, and the adoption process hasn't made this any easier.
So what is it this time?
The hope and the excitement that we may actually finally be DTC in October?
The worries about how we can finance updates to this beautiful but old home while also financing the adoption?
The worries about me being up for 4th year review at the University? And then tenure decision year in two years (assuming I pass 4th year review!)
The worries about my aging grandmom, who has been in and out of the hospital this week?
The worries about finding a way to balance family and work life, and do well at both?
The worries that once we bring this beautiful, precious child home I'll have a hard time returning to work, especially if she has a hard time adjusting to her new home and family, or has severe separation anxiety?
The worries that nothing will compare to what Isabella needs, but yet we will still need my income to give her the life she deserves?
The worries about an adoptive couple that is in China now with their first child, a sick little baby girl?
One thing I know. The only thing I ever felt that I had to be in life was a mother. Don't get me wrong...I love being a professor and I love being a wife. But I think I could have been very happy without being either of those things. But without being a mother, I would always feel as though I didn't become the person that I was supposed to be.
When I read our homestudy update earlier, the social worker has written something like "Tammy and Tim are clearly ready to parent through adoption". Now, this may be a standard line in all her concluding paragraphs for favorable homestudy updates, but I read that line and thought:
Yes.
We are ready. We may not know everything or even most things, and I am sure as we actually become parents a lot of what we thought we'd do will fly out the window. But we are ready.
So what is it this time?
The hope and the excitement that we may actually finally be DTC in October?
The worries about how we can finance updates to this beautiful but old home while also financing the adoption?
The worries about me being up for 4th year review at the University? And then tenure decision year in two years (assuming I pass 4th year review!)
The worries about my aging grandmom, who has been in and out of the hospital this week?
The worries about finding a way to balance family and work life, and do well at both?
The worries that once we bring this beautiful, precious child home I'll have a hard time returning to work, especially if she has a hard time adjusting to her new home and family, or has severe separation anxiety?
The worries that nothing will compare to what Isabella needs, but yet we will still need my income to give her the life she deserves?
The worries about an adoptive couple that is in China now with their first child, a sick little baby girl?
One thing I know. The only thing I ever felt that I had to be in life was a mother. Don't get me wrong...I love being a professor and I love being a wife. But I think I could have been very happy without being either of those things. But without being a mother, I would always feel as though I didn't become the person that I was supposed to be.
When I read our homestudy update earlier, the social worker has written something like "Tammy and Tim are clearly ready to parent through adoption". Now, this may be a standard line in all her concluding paragraphs for favorable homestudy updates, but I read that line and thought:
Yes.
We are ready. We may not know everything or even most things, and I am sure as we actually become parents a lot of what we thought we'd do will fly out the window. But we are ready.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 5:24 AM
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