Somewhere between selflessness and selfishness
Wow...my "The good, the bad and the ugly" post really resonated with folks out there. I found it funny that people are cheering me on ... "take care of yourself".
I thought I should tell you how I got to this point.
A few years ago (2002), I went through a really awful time as I separated from my previous husband. Seriously, I am no stranger to tough times, but this period in my life really did me in. I felt horrible about everything I was doing, everything I wasn't doing, everything I was, and everything I wasn't. I would not wish the feelings I had on my worst enemy.
That summer, there were a lot of moments. But one in particular sticks out in my mind. I threw a small party to celebrate my new apartment. I didn't want a large party, because I was fragile enough to need the comfort of just a few close friends.
Looking back, it was a bad idea to throw this party. I had been up all night before, unable to sleep. It took me longer at the grocery store than I had anticipated, so I didn't have things ready on time. I still didn't have my apartment completely set up. I was still a mess.
Long story short, the party went on late. Around 1am, two guests, a couple, soon realize they have misplaced the woman's purse, in which she had her car keys. The gentleman does not have a back-up key. The remaining guests all search for this purse, but we can't find it. The couple try to figure out if they left their keys in their car, and end up prying open their trunk. There are no keys in the car, and the trunk, after being forced open, refuses to shut. It is now something like 2:30 am, and the search is no longer productive. The couple is distressed and they sort of just cling to each other. My other guests want to go home. I give the couple my car keys, and tell them to take my car. I am supposed to be a conference at Harvard in the morning, and then meet the man that directed my dissertation, along with his wife, for lunch, but I can take public transportation. Or have someone give me a ride. Finally, the couple leaves.
The next morning, slightly rested, I find the purse after about 15 minutes. I call the couple, who are relieved, and ask them to return my car sometime that day, and pick theirs up. No rush. However, they decide since they are planning to go to Cambridge that morning, and I am going to Cambridge for the conference, perhaps I can drive their car into Harvard Square, park it and meet them outside their church to exchange keys. Then I can go off to my conference. Of course, this means I will be late for the conference. And I point out that the trunk to the car will not close, and I will have to drive about 15 miles. They ask, "Can you tie it down?"
Oh, and also by the way, there's very little gas left in their tank, so I'll have to stop and put some gas in the car.
I say "OK, I'll do it". Big mistake.
Why did I agree? I don't know. I like these people, I want to help people out, I think "Why not?".
I go out to assess the car, but realize that of course I have no string or rope, because at this point, I have next to nothing. What I do have is blue painter's tape, since I painted the apartment immediately when I moved in. I proceed to tape the trunk down. Then I get gas. Then I realize I really don't feel like I should be on the Southeast Expressway with this car and its precarious trunk tape job.
So I take the back roads, which involves driving through Mattapan Square. If you know Boston, enough said. If you don't, let's just say that you get a good sense of how scary it might be to be a minority when you are a young, middle class, white woman driving through Mattapan Square. Of course, I've never gone into Boston this way, so I get lost. And in a huge traffic jam by the Museum of Science. Finally, I get to Harvard Square, too late for the conference session, and drive around for a while looking for a parking spot, late on a Sunday morning. Let's just say I drive around for A WHILE.
Finally, I find a really small spot, decide "this sucker's going in no matter what", and do the most impressive parking job of my entire life, something I couldn't replicate if you paid me.
I am PISSED. I get to the church on the Square, which the couple is hanging out in front of, since church service is now over. I am really emotional, fighting back tears. I hand the woman the keys, ask for mine, and I just want to GO. She sees that I am upset, asks if I am mad. I don't want to get into it. She pushes, and finally, I say "Yes, I am mad. You shouldn't have asked me to do this right now. I am late for the conference, I am about to be late for my lunch, and I am upset". She says "Tammy, you are not being fair".
Was I unfair? Probably. They asked, and I said "OK". My feeling was that they shouldn't have asked...that they should have seen that it was not a good idea to ask me for this favor. Because everyone knows I will say "yes". And that's the point...if you ask, I will say "yes".
What follows is the worst, most public argument I've ever had with a friend. We are both raising our voices. I am bawling...my entire face is streaked with tears and I can barely stand, mostly because at that point, I haven't been eating or sleeping much. People are walking by, in Harvard Square, and simply gawking. I tell her "I can't do this". She wants to win the argument, wants me to admit I am wrong, which is very much in keeping with how she can be. She is also a professor. Finally, I say "You win. I am wrong. You are right. But this is not one of your teaching moments, and I am not one of your students". And her partner says to her "Let it go, let her go".
I stumble off to Harvard Law School, to meet my dissertation advisor. They follow a respectable distance behind me, because they are good people, and are worried that I won't make it. Once they see my advisor come over to me and sit down with me, as I struggle to get it together, they leave.
My advisor helps me to calm down, and we get on the T to meet his wife. He literally holds me up on the T. We have a nice lunch...his wife is sweet and she knows she is looking at someone who needs some...work. I eat a little salad. We all hug goodbye. I would feel like a fool, except that I am lucky enough to have had a wonderful, caring person as my advisor, someone I know won't judge me unkindly.
I walk around the city for hours. Finally, I find my car in Harvard Square, get in it and start to drive the 15 miles home. I get off the highway, drive through my town and at one point, I realize that cars are driving toward me because I am driving on the wrong side of the road.
I get home around 5pm, take my prescription sleep meds, and sleep until about 9am the next morning.
And decide "Enough".
It was, in fact, a turning point. I realized that I had to take responsibility for taking care of me, because no one else could do it, even the people that loved me. It sounds melodramatic, but I realized I was either going to have to shape up, or I would eventually lose my life. I started saying "No" even when I still wanted to say "Yes", because that's what the old Tammy would have done. I started learning how to set boundaries, learning how to be very clear about what I could and could not tolerate. I started asking myself in advance of an obligation, event, or meeting "Is this what I really want to do? Is this what is really best for me right now?". And now I will say "No", even if it means someone might not understand, even if it means that someone might wish the old Tammy was still around.
In short, I think I started to learn how to be an adult. I think I realized that I will be making mistakes and learning as long as I am alive. I think I started to realize that even in that horrible time, I was a basically good person.
Today, four years after that crazy summer, I looked up the meaning of "selfless".
Main Entry: self·less
Pronunciation: 'sel-fl&s
Function: adjective
: having no concern for self : UNSELFISH
Nope, don't want to be selfless.
Then I looked up the meaning of "selfish".
Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: 'sel-fish
Function: adjective
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
I don't want to be selfish either.
So my goal is to say on the right side of selfless and the left side of selfish. Hopefully my letter to my friend achieved that. Hopefully all of you who are struggling can achieve that too. I think we achieve it one day at a time.
Cliched? Definitely, but probably true anyway.
I thought I should tell you how I got to this point.
A few years ago (2002), I went through a really awful time as I separated from my previous husband. Seriously, I am no stranger to tough times, but this period in my life really did me in. I felt horrible about everything I was doing, everything I wasn't doing, everything I was, and everything I wasn't. I would not wish the feelings I had on my worst enemy.
That summer, there were a lot of moments. But one in particular sticks out in my mind. I threw a small party to celebrate my new apartment. I didn't want a large party, because I was fragile enough to need the comfort of just a few close friends.
Looking back, it was a bad idea to throw this party. I had been up all night before, unable to sleep. It took me longer at the grocery store than I had anticipated, so I didn't have things ready on time. I still didn't have my apartment completely set up. I was still a mess.
Long story short, the party went on late. Around 1am, two guests, a couple, soon realize they have misplaced the woman's purse, in which she had her car keys. The gentleman does not have a back-up key. The remaining guests all search for this purse, but we can't find it. The couple try to figure out if they left their keys in their car, and end up prying open their trunk. There are no keys in the car, and the trunk, after being forced open, refuses to shut. It is now something like 2:30 am, and the search is no longer productive. The couple is distressed and they sort of just cling to each other. My other guests want to go home. I give the couple my car keys, and tell them to take my car. I am supposed to be a conference at Harvard in the morning, and then meet the man that directed my dissertation, along with his wife, for lunch, but I can take public transportation. Or have someone give me a ride. Finally, the couple leaves.
The next morning, slightly rested, I find the purse after about 15 minutes. I call the couple, who are relieved, and ask them to return my car sometime that day, and pick theirs up. No rush. However, they decide since they are planning to go to Cambridge that morning, and I am going to Cambridge for the conference, perhaps I can drive their car into Harvard Square, park it and meet them outside their church to exchange keys. Then I can go off to my conference. Of course, this means I will be late for the conference. And I point out that the trunk to the car will not close, and I will have to drive about 15 miles. They ask, "Can you tie it down?"
Oh, and also by the way, there's very little gas left in their tank, so I'll have to stop and put some gas in the car.
I say "OK, I'll do it". Big mistake.
Why did I agree? I don't know. I like these people, I want to help people out, I think "Why not?".
I go out to assess the car, but realize that of course I have no string or rope, because at this point, I have next to nothing. What I do have is blue painter's tape, since I painted the apartment immediately when I moved in. I proceed to tape the trunk down. Then I get gas. Then I realize I really don't feel like I should be on the Southeast Expressway with this car and its precarious trunk tape job.
So I take the back roads, which involves driving through Mattapan Square. If you know Boston, enough said. If you don't, let's just say that you get a good sense of how scary it might be to be a minority when you are a young, middle class, white woman driving through Mattapan Square. Of course, I've never gone into Boston this way, so I get lost. And in a huge traffic jam by the Museum of Science. Finally, I get to Harvard Square, too late for the conference session, and drive around for a while looking for a parking spot, late on a Sunday morning. Let's just say I drive around for A WHILE.
Finally, I find a really small spot, decide "this sucker's going in no matter what", and do the most impressive parking job of my entire life, something I couldn't replicate if you paid me.
I am PISSED. I get to the church on the Square, which the couple is hanging out in front of, since church service is now over. I am really emotional, fighting back tears. I hand the woman the keys, ask for mine, and I just want to GO. She sees that I am upset, asks if I am mad. I don't want to get into it. She pushes, and finally, I say "Yes, I am mad. You shouldn't have asked me to do this right now. I am late for the conference, I am about to be late for my lunch, and I am upset". She says "Tammy, you are not being fair".
Was I unfair? Probably. They asked, and I said "OK". My feeling was that they shouldn't have asked...that they should have seen that it was not a good idea to ask me for this favor. Because everyone knows I will say "yes". And that's the point...if you ask, I will say "yes".
What follows is the worst, most public argument I've ever had with a friend. We are both raising our voices. I am bawling...my entire face is streaked with tears and I can barely stand, mostly because at that point, I haven't been eating or sleeping much. People are walking by, in Harvard Square, and simply gawking. I tell her "I can't do this". She wants to win the argument, wants me to admit I am wrong, which is very much in keeping with how she can be. She is also a professor. Finally, I say "You win. I am wrong. You are right. But this is not one of your teaching moments, and I am not one of your students". And her partner says to her "Let it go, let her go".
I stumble off to Harvard Law School, to meet my dissertation advisor. They follow a respectable distance behind me, because they are good people, and are worried that I won't make it. Once they see my advisor come over to me and sit down with me, as I struggle to get it together, they leave.
My advisor helps me to calm down, and we get on the T to meet his wife. He literally holds me up on the T. We have a nice lunch...his wife is sweet and she knows she is looking at someone who needs some...work. I eat a little salad. We all hug goodbye. I would feel like a fool, except that I am lucky enough to have had a wonderful, caring person as my advisor, someone I know won't judge me unkindly.
I walk around the city for hours. Finally, I find my car in Harvard Square, get in it and start to drive the 15 miles home. I get off the highway, drive through my town and at one point, I realize that cars are driving toward me because I am driving on the wrong side of the road.
I get home around 5pm, take my prescription sleep meds, and sleep until about 9am the next morning.
And decide "Enough".
It was, in fact, a turning point. I realized that I had to take responsibility for taking care of me, because no one else could do it, even the people that loved me. It sounds melodramatic, but I realized I was either going to have to shape up, or I would eventually lose my life. I started saying "No" even when I still wanted to say "Yes", because that's what the old Tammy would have done. I started learning how to set boundaries, learning how to be very clear about what I could and could not tolerate. I started asking myself in advance of an obligation, event, or meeting "Is this what I really want to do? Is this what is really best for me right now?". And now I will say "No", even if it means someone might not understand, even if it means that someone might wish the old Tammy was still around.
In short, I think I started to learn how to be an adult. I think I realized that I will be making mistakes and learning as long as I am alive. I think I started to realize that even in that horrible time, I was a basically good person.
Today, four years after that crazy summer, I looked up the meaning of "selfless".
Main Entry: self·less
Pronunciation: 'sel-fl&s
Function: adjective
: having no concern for self : UNSELFISH
Nope, don't want to be selfless.
Then I looked up the meaning of "selfish".
Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: 'sel-fish
Function: adjective
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
I don't want to be selfish either.
So my goal is to say on the right side of selfless and the left side of selfish. Hopefully my letter to my friend achieved that. Hopefully all of you who are struggling can achieve that too. I think we achieve it one day at a time.
Cliched? Definitely, but probably true anyway.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 2:01 PM
2 Comments:
Reading the "good" doctor's comments I couldn't help but to recall a common expression: "Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one, and most of them stink." And when the opinions are from an internet troll, they're usually the ripest of them all.
Remember folks, don't feed the trolls! (present company excluded, of course!) ;-)
Oh yeah, I think "Dr" needs to catch a strain of McPhever!!
Hey Dr Phyllis,
Since you think your "advice" is so valuable why don't you give it using your real name? What a coward. Leave my friend alone.
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