The good, the bad, and the ugly.
So, my college roomate, J., who I lived with for all four years, is pregnant again. For the 3rd time. In less than 6 years. The baby is due at the end of the year. I am happy for her...I am. She wants a big family, and she is very much into trying to be the very best mom she can be. She adores being a mom. She does a lot of attachment parenting...the co-sleeping, the prolonged breast-feeding, etc. And she has managed to do all this while keeping her career intact. She has two beautiful little girls. Whatever you think about attachment parenting and working moms, you'd have to admire this woman on some level. It's a pretty wild thing. That's the good.
The bad and the ugly is how all of this makes me feel. I am really tired of waiting for my turn at parenthood. I am frustrated that it often appears to go so easily for others. And I know it goes easily for J. and hubby, since the second she starts trying, she's pregnant...even she would admit that getting pregnant and building a family has been easy for them. So, I am envious. And yes, this makes me feel bad and ugly, even if on some level I realize these feelings are probably pretty normal.
In mid-August, my dear friends A. and N. will visit, with daughter A., who will be about 7.5 months old by then. They live in the South, and I haven't seen A. & N. since May 2005. I am really looking forward to this visit...to finally meeting the newest member of the family. But it occurred to me that A. and co. might want to get together with J. and co., since A., J., and I were all in college together and since Andy and J. are now both parents. So, I brilliantly suggest that perhaps J. and co. come over while A. & co. are here at my house, since J. and co. live about one hour away.
Wait, not so brilliant. Because I realize there's no way in hell I will be able to hang around two fathers, one new mother, one pregnant mom to be, and three children (all girls) for more than an hour without Tim (who is saving all his vacation time for China) without feeling really really BAD and really really UGLY. So, I have just written the following letter to A., which I have excerpted here and there...
J. and I have been corresponding a bit via email. I wanted to know if you have any interest in seeing her while you are out here...if so, I can invite her over one of the days. She, S., the kids, and Tim and I are going to try and meet up next Saturday or Sunday.
The other news is that she's pregnant again, and expecting right before Christmas. I want to be a big person here, but the truth is, I don't think I can really handle hanging out with you, N., A., and J., S., K., L. and Baby #3 for any prolonged period of time, especially since Tim will be at work (he is not taking any vacation days while you guys are visiting). Understand that I am happy you have your little ones...I just don't think I am up to being in a situation without Tim where the talk is inevitably going to be 100% about kids.
...I am tired of waiting for my turn at parenthood. The adoption experience will always be different from the childbirth experience, and while one might think that I'd be eager for advice, I really don't see the two situations as very similar, especially not at the infant/toddler stage. So, I am not up to being the only childless one for more than an hour or so, in such a big group, especially if Tim's not around.
...There's only so much big bellies/breast-feeding/look how smart my kid is /here's how to be a good parent advice that I can take right now, and I've found it best to limit myself to one set of birthparents at one time. I respect that fact that I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant, and give birth to a biological child. At the same time though, most people have no idea what it is to adopt.
I hope you do understand...know that I am trying to put it all out there to be as honest as I can be about where I am at.
Hopefully, A. will understand. And if not, well, then I will have to accept that he may be angry or think I am small. One thing I've realized through the last few years of my life is that I need to take care of me first. It's hard when doing that means potentially hurting or angering someone else, but I am trying to do it in a honest, open way. I am trying to feel good instead of bad and ugly.
The bad and the ugly is how all of this makes me feel. I am really tired of waiting for my turn at parenthood. I am frustrated that it often appears to go so easily for others. And I know it goes easily for J. and hubby, since the second she starts trying, she's pregnant...even she would admit that getting pregnant and building a family has been easy for them. So, I am envious. And yes, this makes me feel bad and ugly, even if on some level I realize these feelings are probably pretty normal.
In mid-August, my dear friends A. and N. will visit, with daughter A., who will be about 7.5 months old by then. They live in the South, and I haven't seen A. & N. since May 2005. I am really looking forward to this visit...to finally meeting the newest member of the family. But it occurred to me that A. and co. might want to get together with J. and co., since A., J., and I were all in college together and since Andy and J. are now both parents. So, I brilliantly suggest that perhaps J. and co. come over while A. & co. are here at my house, since J. and co. live about one hour away.
Wait, not so brilliant. Because I realize there's no way in hell I will be able to hang around two fathers, one new mother, one pregnant mom to be, and three children (all girls) for more than an hour without Tim (who is saving all his vacation time for China) without feeling really really BAD and really really UGLY. So, I have just written the following letter to A., which I have excerpted here and there...
J. and I have been corresponding a bit via email. I wanted to know if you have any interest in seeing her while you are out here...if so, I can invite her over one of the days. She, S., the kids, and Tim and I are going to try and meet up next Saturday or Sunday.
The other news is that she's pregnant again, and expecting right before Christmas. I want to be a big person here, but the truth is, I don't think I can really handle hanging out with you, N., A., and J., S., K., L. and Baby #3 for any prolonged period of time, especially since Tim will be at work (he is not taking any vacation days while you guys are visiting). Understand that I am happy you have your little ones...I just don't think I am up to being in a situation without Tim where the talk is inevitably going to be 100% about kids.
...I am tired of waiting for my turn at parenthood. The adoption experience will always be different from the childbirth experience, and while one might think that I'd be eager for advice, I really don't see the two situations as very similar, especially not at the infant/toddler stage. So, I am not up to being the only childless one for more than an hour or so, in such a big group, especially if Tim's not around.
...There's only so much big bellies/breast-feeding/look how smart my kid is /here's how to be a good parent advice that I can take right now, and I've found it best to limit myself to one set of birthparents at one time. I respect that fact that I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant, and give birth to a biological child. At the same time though, most people have no idea what it is to adopt.
I hope you do understand...know that I am trying to put it all out there to be as honest as I can be about where I am at.
Hopefully, A. will understand. And if not, well, then I will have to accept that he may be angry or think I am small. One thing I've realized through the last few years of my life is that I need to take care of me first. It's hard when doing that means potentially hurting or angering someone else, but I am trying to do it in a honest, open way. I am trying to feel good instead of bad and ugly.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 3:11 PM
3 Comments:
Hi Tammy~
I know just how you feel. In fact I just cancelled a crabfest (something I really enjoy) with my best friend and other friends from high school as they all have children under the age of 2 and one is expecting another in August. While I never thought I could get pregnant I miraculously (sp?) was this month.....for 2 days before we learned it wasn't viable. Being around pregnant people right now is too difficult. I am also an adjunct professor at a local university and one of my students is 10 weeks pregnant with her 4th. She talks about it all class long. It will be a long semester. I'm glad you're taking care of your needs and not allowing yourself to be miserable.
Kristi
It's a difficult situation and you have to do what feels right for you. You're getting ready to have a child and in mind, body and spirit, you have to be healthy. If avoiding situations which you find stressful, helps to that end, then that's what you need to do and others will just have to understand.
I can't tell you how impressed I am in how you are taking care of yourself. I could take lessons. I enjoy reading your blog.
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