An update

So I am a bit calmer now. The agency left a message stating that the Boston USCIS/INS office told them our INS approval should be arriving in the mail "anyday now". Of course, it didn't arrive today! What did arrive was a whole bunch of mail for our neighbors Millard and Cathy next door! So now I am paranoid that our approval has been delivered elsewhere ... ugh.

OK, Tammy, contain paranoid thoughts! Anyway, the agency said that if it did not arrive by Thursday to call. You bet I will. I am really hoping we can be DTC without updating our physicals but Tim and I are contacting our doctors and preparing for the possibility of having to update.

Speculation...
1. Best Case: a log in date in China before Nov. 16th or so...referral in May or June, travel in July or August.
2. Other Case: a log in date in China before Dec. 16th or so...referral in June or July, travel in August or September.
3. Worst Case: too infuriating to speculate on.

The uncertainty about this adoption and the delays have made me feel silly and angry. I feel silly because I spend so much of my time thinking about a child that won't be placed in our arms for nearly a year! I sometimes think that this whole adoption journey is something I've just imagined in my head. I've seen people that started their homestudies after us become DTC. I've seen friends become pregnant that will have their child before we even get a referral for Bella. It's very strange.

And I am angry at times...angry that the process has been so slow for us despite my attempts to make it a priority and stay on top of everything. Angry because we have a lot of love to give and I do think we deserve to have the blessing of parenthood.
I'm angry when people tell me to "keep my chin up" or "don't stress", especially when they have finished building their families. I'm angry that all of this makes me feel silly and angry...that it has such power over me and I have no power over it.

OK, so now I sound weird. Just keep in mine that our social worker and 3 references all bascially said something that boils down to "Tim is calm, reserved,and even-tempered. Tammy is not".

Mmmm. Maybe I should report on other things besides my emotions. This weekend Tim and I repainted the trim in Bella's nursery. It looks much better...we went with a warm white that Benjamin Moore calls "Swiss Coffee". I am much happier and so is Tim. Ugly pink tint, be gone!!! As I was touching up the inside of the closet, I felt compelled to write "Bella Murphy" in paint on the back wall. Tim thought it was wacky, but that's nothing for me...I am capable of much wackier things! We also started spackling the room that is currently Tim's office. And we bought a new vacuum since I think our old one deposited more dust on the floor when we turned it on than it picked up. We also bought a shop vac. Oh what exciting lives we lead!!!