Because we can all use a laugh here and there.

The latest.

Referrals are expected soon and the rumor is that the cut-off date is November 1, 2005. This would leave 13 days of LIDs between us and a referral. I am not even going to try and predict when we might receive a referral, since in my wildest dreams I did not imagine the possibility that we would not travel to China this summer.

There is not much to do but live with it. This has been a surreal experience...counting down to a date that keeps getting pushed out. Life in limbo.
I think of myself as pretty tough, and regardless of whether that's true or not, I am not a stranger to heartache. But this is different somehow. The wait has gotten to a point that I feel like it chips off a piece of me everyday.

On another adoption-related note, a friend of ours visited us this weekend. Not a close friend, but someone who would probably be regarded as educated, liberal, etc.

Him: Did you order a boy or a girl?
Me: We requested a girl.
He grins, cognizant of my different word choice, and says "Did you put your Visa down?"

Somedays I am convinced I am surrounded by idiots.

Dog Parents.

Those who are still waiting for their first child feel compelled to take lots of pictures of their dogkids...
And I hope we always do, even after the arrival of Isabella.

Springtime and Waiting

The sun has finally returned. This is springtime. It's a time for renewal. It's a time to take joy in seeing new life blossom all around you. I have cacti growing in my work office near the window. One of them has sprouted a growth that has nearly doubled the height of it. I look at it and think, "wow, that's really cool!" And then I say to myself, "what would be even cooler is if I could share this with Bella." I find myself saying that often these days.

And so we continue to wait. To quote a great American philosopher, "It just ain't working for me dawg."

17 month LID anniversary.

Ugh. And that's all I've got to say about that.

That forecasting site.

According to this site, the best guess of when we will get a referral is May 27, 2007. God, I hope that's on target. BTW, there is now a 530 day backlog and velocity is at its lowest point in the time period that this site displays.

Resigned.

Well, that bad news is official...CCAA has updated their website. Sigh. Yesterday I just wanted to throw my hands up and crawl into a cave for the next few months. Even SchnauzerKing was feeling it. We went to the grocery store and moped through the aisles, singing "We're all alone, we got no baby". When we went to bed last night, I said to him "Just think, in another five years or so, we should have a baby to put to bed". Nothing like wallowing in self-pity.

I think I am over it, at least for the moment. At the end of May, the spring semester will be over and I'll have no more teaching responsibilities. I'll try to use June for some research and writing that I really do need to do...although I refuse to deal with reality, the reality is that I will be up for tenure before too long and I am really bad at balancing teaching, research and service. Now, chances are that we won't be going to China in July, so hey, a bonus month to work. Yahoo. Yes, I am grasping at straws, but I have to. There's nothing we can do. My new hope is that we have the baby for my 35th birthday, which is early to mid-August.

I did get a little boost in my spirits at the end of the day. I came home to find a copy of my friend Andy's first book in the mail, The Doom of Reconstruction, along with a lovely note. Andy is a Civil War historian out at East Tennessee State, and he has been my friend since college. Andy is husband to Nicole and father to 14 month year old Abigail. Andy also married SchnauzerKing and I, something that helped to make our wedding perfect in my mind. There's a line about me in the acknowledgements,which SchnauzerKing translated to "Tammy has given me grief since college and continues to do so". That sounds about right. But seriously Slap, I am proud of you.

Right now, this is harder than I thought it would be.

It seems that the bad referral rumors are true. Many families with LIDs of 10/27/2005 and 10/28/2005 have received calls saying they are not in this month's batch. There is one family using my adoption agency, with a LID of 10/26/2005, that has posted a referral for a 7 month old girl from Hunan province. The social worker that called would not give this woman any indication of the cut-off date. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Of course, I knew we would not be in this batch. But I thought this batch would give us a pretty good idea of when we might actually get a referral - early May, early June, or early July. Since the CCAA only referred two days worth of LIDs this month, and there are now 17 days worth of referrals separating us from Isabella, I really have no idea. Whatsoever.

I want to think positively, I do. But right now, it is a dark day. Right now, I want to tell everyone who has children and says to me "Just be patient", "Don't stress","Your baby isn't ready for you" or "Once you get that referral, you'll forget the wait" to jump in a lake. A really dirty polluted one. Right now I want to say that the sweet, well-meaning comments like "You and SchanuzerKing are going to be wonderful parents" are like little needle pricks. They shouldn't hurt; their intent is helpful and benign. Yet they do. Because deep down, I know we are going to be imperfect, but great, parents. I just want to get there, be that. Right now, I very much want to believe that we are going to finally hold that baby in our arms this summer. But I don't know. I want to go into Isabella's nursery and write her a beautiful letter. But right now, all I could write is "Baby, where are you?"

This one could do me in. Seriously.

The latest rumor is that this month's bunch of referrals include families with dossiers logged in up to 10/26/05. That would be two days worth. Ugh. That's all I can say.

Soul Patrol!

I am sick today, so not in the mood for a long post. I did want to mention, however, that the Taylor Hicks show at Boston's Avalon on Tuesday was amazing!!! Let me end the suspense: He did not sing "Do I Make You Proud".

I was so happy to see that Taylor is just like he was on AI...he goes out there and just does what he wants. The guy loves what he does, and you've gotta love a guy with passion. He did some serious wailing on the harmonica. He has an unbelievable amount of energy, and has to be in fantastic shape. Seriously, I would have died of a heart attack about 1/10th of the way through the show. He sang some songs from his very first CD, Under the Radar. He also sang several songs from his first CD after the Idol win..."Just to Feel that Way", "The Runaround", "Wherever I Lay My Hat", and "Dream Myself Awake". He covered Rod's "Young Turks". One thing he did, which I loved, was to mix up bits of songs like "Let's Get It On" and Willie Nelson's "Night Life" and "Whiskey River". Awesome. For an encore, he came out wearing a Sox jersey. This was necessary because both the button-down shirt and sports jacket he had on earlier were completely soaked with sweat. It was a terrific, terrific show, and I'd go to see him again in a heartbeat. And in spite of how Schnauzer King will try to spin this as something he did to be a good hubs, he loved the show as well. Part of that had to do with the opening performer.

Toby Lightman opened for Taylor, and she was excellent. I love to see a girl rocking out on a guitar. Seriously, check her out. Great bluesy, folk rock sounds, great band, great lyrics. I'll be buying or downloading (LEGALLY, folks) her CD, and you should too. SchnauzerKing thought she was a babe, and I can't argue with that.

I'm ready to get off this ride.

So, supposedly referrals were mailed out last Friday, but no news yet. The latest rumor is that the LID of 11/04/05 is not included. SchnauzerKing and I will not be in this batch, of course, but I am anxious about this batch, as the cut-off date will tell us whether we have any shot at all of being in the early May batch, which I would love. A referral for Mother's day, instead of seeing the 3rd year we've been somewhere in the process, a waiting mom without a referral. Ugh. As tough as it will be, I have resigned myself to an early June referral. At least SchnauzerKing would have a referral for Father's Day and probably his 37th b-day.

Not that I am jealous.

You are so jealous you can't stand it.

I am going to miss AI tonight. Sad, I know. But the reason is so good: SchnauzerKing and I are off to see Taylor Hicks in concert. Wipe that drool off your chin!