Right now, this is harder than I thought it would be.

It seems that the bad referral rumors are true. Many families with LIDs of 10/27/2005 and 10/28/2005 have received calls saying they are not in this month's batch. There is one family using my adoption agency, with a LID of 10/26/2005, that has posted a referral for a 7 month old girl from Hunan province. The social worker that called would not give this woman any indication of the cut-off date. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Of course, I knew we would not be in this batch. But I thought this batch would give us a pretty good idea of when we might actually get a referral - early May, early June, or early July. Since the CCAA only referred two days worth of LIDs this month, and there are now 17 days worth of referrals separating us from Isabella, I really have no idea. Whatsoever.

I want to think positively, I do. But right now, it is a dark day. Right now, I want to tell everyone who has children and says to me "Just be patient", "Don't stress","Your baby isn't ready for you" or "Once you get that referral, you'll forget the wait" to jump in a lake. A really dirty polluted one. Right now I want to say that the sweet, well-meaning comments like "You and SchanuzerKing are going to be wonderful parents" are like little needle pricks. They shouldn't hurt; their intent is helpful and benign. Yet they do. Because deep down, I know we are going to be imperfect, but great, parents. I just want to get there, be that. Right now, I very much want to believe that we are going to finally hold that baby in our arms this summer. But I don't know. I want to go into Isabella's nursery and write her a beautiful letter. But right now, all I could write is "Baby, where are you?"