Owweee. Heart is hurting...
Today I am feeling bad. Like I cannot tolerate the wait one more instant. Like I want to sit down and cry for a good hour straight. Like I want to say to everyone around me "Don't bother me with your BS, because I've got a big gaping wound in my heart".
Maybe it's because yesterday was my departmental Christmas party, and there were little kids there. Last year, Tim and I thought that this year we'd be bringing Isabella to the departmental Christmas party. We were wrong.
Maybe it's because it's the end of the semester, and I am stressed and tired. And the students are stressed and tired.
Maybe it's my sense of impending doom about Christmas and how badly it's going to suck no matter how hard I try to pretend that it doesn't. There's that empty stocking, with "Isabella" embroidered on it hanging from the mantle once again this year.
On the bright side...I'm trying, folks...
Let's focus on the good!
Lisa S. has her Maisie. Cheryl and Bruce should have Mya in their arms as of now...they don't have a blog, so we are all waiting for email. Can I tell you something about Cheryl and Bruce? Too sweet for words. They've been so busy, preparing their home for Mya and for Christmas. They've been packing for China, wrestling with an extra two pounds of luggage they had to get rid of. They left on Thursday. On Saturday, Tim and I get a beautiful card in the mail about how they will be thinking about us and praying while in China that Isabella comes home soon. Wow. Incredibly thoughtful.
There are times when I've felt so alone with this wait. How many of you have had a biological mom tell you how LUCKY you are to miss the first several months of life, when the baby has colic and doesn't really do anything? What I want to say is "Would you give up those first eight, ten , twelve, fourteen months of her life? Would you? Would it be better to know that your baby was waiting in an orphanage somewhere, waiting to be matched to you, the waiting mom? What? Oh, you mean you wouldn't like that? You're happy you got to see your baby sit up, stand up, and maybe even walk for the first time?" Then get out of my face, before I punch yours in.
Anyway. What's that I wrote about focusing on the good? Yes, back to Cheryl and Bruce. Thank you Cheryl and Bruce for remembering us in the midst of your preparations, in the midst of your joy. We love you and we'll love your daughter. See you at the airport!!!
Maybe it's because yesterday was my departmental Christmas party, and there were little kids there. Last year, Tim and I thought that this year we'd be bringing Isabella to the departmental Christmas party. We were wrong.
Maybe it's because it's the end of the semester, and I am stressed and tired. And the students are stressed and tired.
Maybe it's my sense of impending doom about Christmas and how badly it's going to suck no matter how hard I try to pretend that it doesn't. There's that empty stocking, with "Isabella" embroidered on it hanging from the mantle once again this year.
On the bright side...I'm trying, folks...
Let's focus on the good!
Lisa S. has her Maisie. Cheryl and Bruce should have Mya in their arms as of now...they don't have a blog, so we are all waiting for email. Can I tell you something about Cheryl and Bruce? Too sweet for words. They've been so busy, preparing their home for Mya and for Christmas. They've been packing for China, wrestling with an extra two pounds of luggage they had to get rid of. They left on Thursday. On Saturday, Tim and I get a beautiful card in the mail about how they will be thinking about us and praying while in China that Isabella comes home soon. Wow. Incredibly thoughtful.
There are times when I've felt so alone with this wait. How many of you have had a biological mom tell you how LUCKY you are to miss the first several months of life, when the baby has colic and doesn't really do anything? What I want to say is "Would you give up those first eight, ten , twelve, fourteen months of her life? Would you? Would it be better to know that your baby was waiting in an orphanage somewhere, waiting to be matched to you, the waiting mom? What? Oh, you mean you wouldn't like that? You're happy you got to see your baby sit up, stand up, and maybe even walk for the first time?" Then get out of my face, before I punch yours in.
Anyway. What's that I wrote about focusing on the good? Yes, back to Cheryl and Bruce. Thank you Cheryl and Bruce for remembering us in the midst of your preparations, in the midst of your joy. We love you and we'll love your daughter. See you at the airport!!!
posted by Redheaded Chick at 11:02 AM
2 Comments:
Nothing to say..other than you aren't alone. I have felt and still feel the same way. Christmas is going to suck and there is no way around it. I hate people that tell me to stop being depressed and it will happen. Totally sick of it. I hope something happens to make you feel better soon.
HUG!
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