A mother without a baby
As we continue to wait for Isabella, an image keeps popping into my mind. If you watched the show Friends, you might remember Chandler Bing (one of the greatest TV characters ever) trying to convince an expecting young birth mother that he and Monica were the ones to parent her child. He said something like "My wife's the most amazing woman, and it kills me that I can't give her a child. She's a mother without a baby".
That's how I feel these days.
I think about whether Isabella has been born yet, and if she is, whether or not she is well cared for. I hope she knows love.
I wonder what she looks like, of course. Will she be smiling in her referral picture, or will she look so sad that it will break our hearts? Will she smile in her first few days with us? What will her laugh sound like? What will her cries sound like?
I wonder about what she might need now and what she will need as she spends her first days with us. I think about what Tim will look like holding his daughter his daughter for the first time, and if I'll ever be able to describe that moment. I wonder whether the timing will work out so that Isabella's uncle, the "Toddfather", will be able to go to China with us...what it will be like if we get to see Todd hold his niece in her homeland. I think about watching her sleep for the first time, and I imagine how many times I will check just to make sure she's breathing. What she will smell like, what her little baby feet will look like. I think about that long plane ride home. About how long it might be until we feel she is ready to meet her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins that live in Minnesota.
I think about what it will be like to go to sleep every night, and instead of dreaming about her like I do now, I'll wake up knowing that I am a mother, that we have been given this amazing little person. I think about Tim and I growing old and even sillier together, as Isabella grows up and groans about how corny her parents are. And I hope she smiles with love as she groans with embarrassment.
But for now I am still a mother without a baby.
That's how I feel these days.
I think about whether Isabella has been born yet, and if she is, whether or not she is well cared for. I hope she knows love.
I wonder what she looks like, of course. Will she be smiling in her referral picture, or will she look so sad that it will break our hearts? Will she smile in her first few days with us? What will her laugh sound like? What will her cries sound like?
I wonder about what she might need now and what she will need as she spends her first days with us. I think about what Tim will look like holding his daughter his daughter for the first time, and if I'll ever be able to describe that moment. I wonder whether the timing will work out so that Isabella's uncle, the "Toddfather", will be able to go to China with us...what it will be like if we get to see Todd hold his niece in her homeland. I think about watching her sleep for the first time, and I imagine how many times I will check just to make sure she's breathing. What she will smell like, what her little baby feet will look like. I think about that long plane ride home. About how long it might be until we feel she is ready to meet her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins that live in Minnesota.
I think about what it will be like to go to sleep every night, and instead of dreaming about her like I do now, I'll wake up knowing that I am a mother, that we have been given this amazing little person. I think about Tim and I growing old and even sillier together, as Isabella grows up and groans about how corny her parents are. And I hope she smiles with love as she groans with embarrassment.
But for now I am still a mother without a baby.
posted by Redheaded Chick at 4:06 PM
1 Comments:
Tammy, you are so very, very dear.
We must ask our Father to please send Bella to you and Tim now, and he will.
With love, Jeralynn
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