The Murphy Adoption Adventure

Our Final Post.

2007-11-01T20:19:00.000-04:00

Two years after we became DTC, we celebrated our first Halloween with our girl, the little dragon.

Best wishes to all, and thanks for being along for the ride.

SchnauzerKing says thanks

2007-10-31T08:47:00.000-04:00

Those of you familiar with the Schnauzer breed know that these dogs are very expressive, both verbally and physically. So it may not be all that fitting that I call myself the SchnauzerKing since I really don't fit this mold. My posts, as pointed out earlier by the Redheaded Chick, have been few and far between. However, I felt it appropriate to post one last time on here to say thanks.

First, I'd like to thank all the little people in my life that allowed me to win this award. I could have done it without you, but thanks anyway. Ooops, sorry, that's my Oscar speech.

In reality, it's been a real treat (and at time wondrous) to see the outpouring of support for Tammy and I during our adoption adventure. The blogging community is just incredible. It was truly amazing to see the Chick approached in China by "strangers" who congratulated her and thanked her for her blog. Thanks to all the online friends.

Our friends and family certainly deserve a huge round of applause for their unending support, patience, and understanding during the last couple of years. We know we haven't always been that easy to be around during our high stress/frustration days. Thanks for sticking in there.

One of my many faults is that I don't offer enough thanks, publicly or privately, to my beautiful wife for everything she does. So last, but most importantly, I'd like to thank her for establishing and maintaining this blog. I can't count the many times I've checked the blog and laughed out loud at the posts, many of which were making fun of SK himself! I'll also admit that sometimes I've teared up at reading about the frustration she experienced. But it's always been an interesting and insightful site to visit. Thanks RHC, though one adventure is over, a more exciting one awaits and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather experience it with.

SK

Look what I can do!

2007-10-30T21:03:00.001-04:00

Mmm...what's this?

2007-10-30T20:58:00.000-04:00

When Daddy's at work, Bella misses him so much she has to play with his shoes.

Funny Face.

2007-10-30T20:56:00.001-04:00

Movin' out.

2007-10-29T19:21:00.001-04:00

As we prepare to say "good-bye", a few updates on Bella...
-She is crawling well, and pulling up. She can stand while holding onto something for a few moments.
-She has gained about two pounds since she has been home...she now weighs 17 pounds. This makes me feel better...I thought my arms were just getting tired.
-She is still in size 3-6 month clothing, but I expect she will be moving onto size 6-9 month clothing very soon.
-She has extremely sensitive skin, always. Just like her mom. But on Saturday, she broke out in a case of the hives, which the pediatrician believes is due to a cold virus. She has been sneezing quite a bit, but no snotty, runny nose. Yet.
-She does not like laying on her back. At all.
-We still haven't been able to get her to eat solid foods yet, regardless of whether we give her control or take the lead. We had her evaluated, and they confirmed that she was a tough case. Very orally defensive with food, although she loves to mouth toys. We were told to expect it to take a while, but to keep trying. And so, we will.
-Her 5th and 6th teeth are coming in.
-The theory that CCAA chooses children for adoptive parents in part by looking at the parents' photos is completely shot. This kid is just too damn good looking,

Thanks for the understanding regarding the need for me to take my blogging activities private. I have begun to receive email requests. Bear with me, as it will probably take me a week or so to get up and running with the new blog.

Just swinging along.

2007-10-29T19:08:00.001-04:00

Getting ready to say "good-bye".

2007-10-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

The time has come. We are ready to say good-bye to this blog. No particular reason...it's just that the "adoption" part of our adventure has ended. We will start a new blog, but it will be by invite only. This will be a family blog, and I cannot make any promises as to how often I'll manage to update. SK is a very infrequent poster and my days are now consumed by the little one.

If you want to follow along, and I know you well, please send an email INCLUDING YOUR PREFERRED EMAIL ADDRESS (I'll need it for the invite) to tammytimisabella@yahoo.com. And folks, please don't be hurt if you don't get an invite if I've never met you. It's not a judgement on you as a person...just a judgement on the closeness of our relationship.

When I first started blogging over two years ago, it was a relatively new thing. Not many people did it. Also, not many people knew about the blog. Oh, and yeah, we didn't have an actual child living with us. That's all changed. The blogging adoption community has started to trouble me a bit. Most bloggers and blog watchers are well-intentioned, but as in almost any community, there are a few wackos and mean-spirited individuals out there. Sad, but true.

Halloween will mark the two year anniversary of us becoming DTC. This seems a fitting day to say goodbye. If you've been following along, and especially if you've been commenting, thanks for being with us. It was a long haul, and I will never "forget" about the wait as most people say you do. But the child...well, the child is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. She takes our breath away. To all of you who have children, thanks for sharing your experiences with us. To all of you waiting, best wishes. I know it's an almost unbearable wait right now. You will have days when you are convinced it is simply not going to happen, days when you feel that you cannot take it for one moment longer. And however you imagine what receiving your child will be like, the reality will likely be different. But I believe this to be true...you will never be more scared, more thankful, or more in love in your life.

The truth is...

2007-10-18T15:16:00.000-04:00

Motherhood is kicking my butt. The adjustment is, in my best Boston accent, WICKED hard. I love those people that say "I have no idea what we did before". Well, I know what I did before. I used to have coffee almost every blessed morning. I used to blog. I used to answer emails fairly quickly. I used to read. I used to go to the gym. I used to wear clothes other than T-shirts and jeans. Oh, yeah, and I used to have a job other than Bella.

But then she lays one of her million dollar grins on me and I don't care about everything I used to do. At least not nearly as much.

Yeah. We love the girl.

Girl in the hood.

2007-10-18T15:08:00.000-04:00

Indie has taken a shine to Bella's toys.

2007-10-05T13:51:00.001-04:00

Jumpin' Jumperoo.

2007-10-03T12:24:00.001-04:00

Look at her go in the jumperoo LaSalette, John, and Emma were nice enough to lend us:

First Playground Outing in the US.

2007-10-03T12:15:00.000-04:00

Pictures from Red Couch Picture Day

2007-10-03T12:07:00.001-04:00

Yep, we are home!

2007-10-03T06:35:00.000-04:00

Bad blogger, bad blogger, bad blogger. In my defense, for some reason, we could not post from the White Swan in Guangzhou. But we arrived safely home on Friday at about 11pm and Bella is doing well. We love having the time as a family to get to know the little one.

She has been reluctant to convert to US time. The first two nights, she screamed like a banshee all night because she did not want to go to sleep in her crib (we have decided against the family bed, which I know some of you will disagree with, but hey, that's us). She loves being rocked, which we've done a lot of, but once we tried to put her down, she just wasn't having it. We stood by her crib, patting, singing to and reassuring her, but she still was one upset baby. Maybe because of the singing part. Then she'd fall asleep around 5am or so (in her crib), and she wanted to sleep all day. The past two nights have been an improvement. She falls asleep almost immediately when we put her down at 8:30 PM or so, then she wakes at midnight or so, and wants to hang out for a few hours. The she goes back to sleep between 3-5AM, and we have had to wake her in the morning.

She enjoys playing around on the floor, and her crawling skills have improved considerably. In general, she is a lot less "floppy". She is smiling quite a lot and makes some good eye contact. She blows us away.

SK carries her around with his chest puffed up like a peacock. Yesterday we had our first shopping outing...to Babies R' Us and to Shaw's Supermarket.

Random person shopping: What a cutie.
SK: Thank you. Oh wait, you mean the baby?

On Monday she had her first pediatrician visit. She is in the 3rd percentile for weight, and the 10th percentile for length and head circumference on the US charts. However, the pediatrician did not seem concerned. We do need to work on the solid foods issue, which thus far has not gone well. Of course, we'll keep trying.

I wish I had some pictures for you, but that would involve finding my memory card reader, which remains buried in the travel rubble. Soon, I promise!

Ten Bits About Bella.

2007-09-23T10:04:00.000-04:00

1. She is teething something fierce. She spends at least half the day with her hands in her mouth. It doesn't help that she hates having teething gel massaged on her gums. She also hates having teething tablets that have been dissolved in water put in her mouth.

2. When she's in a good mood, she loves to make all kinds of noises with her mouth...she puckers and makes clicking and sucking sounds. Yesterday, she started babbling spontaneously. She sounds like what I imagine a Teradactyl would sound like.

3. Yesterday we had a "free" day...no structured activities, so we took her to the hotel swimming pool. At first she was a little unsure, but then she seemed to enjoy it. You can hold her by her middle, and she paddles her arms. She hasn't figured out the leg thing yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if she learns to swim very quickly. SK says her little one piece brown floral tank is the most revealing swim suit she's ever allowed to wear. He has started singing "Burkaville".

4. She smiled at us quite a bit on Forever Family Day, but I think that is because she didn't relize she was leaving her nanny and getting stuck with us. On Days 2, 3, 4, and 5 with her, there were no smiles....just serious cotemplation and mild curiousity about us. On Day 6, she started smiling, laughing, and giggling. She makes us feel like a million bucks.

5. At first, she refused to eat. She went completely nuts when anything went near her mouth. Then she went through a phase when all she liked is amoxicillin in a oral suspension liquid (although she still screamed when the medicine dropper came near her mouth), which the doctor traveling with us prescribed for a possible ear infection. Finally, she has begun eating. We stopped giving her what the orphanage instructed us to, substituting whole grain rice cereal for the rice powder that she had at the orphanage. At first we cut a large hole in her bottle nipple, but once she started feeding well, we went to a much smaller hole to make sure she develops her mouth muscles (the latest size hole is only slightly bigger than the hole in a fast flow Playtex rubber nipple). She still isn't interested in any kind of solid food though, including Cheerios and fruit puffs. SHe wants absolutely nothing to do with congee. Once, she almost ate a bit of steamed egg, but I think it will be a bit before she gets comfortable with solid food.

6. She loves to look at herself in the mirror. She takes after Baba that way!

7. I think she has big feet for her body. I thought for sure she would take a size 2 shoe, but the two pairs I brought from home don't fit. We bought her a pair of size 3 red squeaky shoes on Thursday, and while they are a bit big, they work.

8. She is getting more and more curious by the day. This is fun to watch, even when she is trying to squeeze my nose off my face, poking me in the eye, pulling on my hair, and shoving her fingers in my mouth and pulling down on my lower jaw.

9. She loves to stand if you hold her hands and dance with her. I sing her "Shake Your Groove Thing" in honor of Mya, Cheryl and Bruce's daughter. I also sing her "Dancing Queen".

10. It's pretty clear I have been replaced as the girl that SK loves the most. And that's just fine with me.

Tomorrow, we are off to Guangzhou. I want a hamburger. Badly.

Bella with the laughing face.

2007-09-23T10:03:00.001-04:00

Playing in the mirror with Baba.

2007-09-23T09:44:00.000-04:00

Swimming Girl.

2007-09-23T09:41:00.001-04:00

Chongqing Zoo

2007-09-23T09:22:00.000-04:00

The Girl Likes Baths.

2007-09-20T10:47:00.000-04:00

A message from Isabella to her Grandma Karen and Grandpa Royal in Minnesota:
I want a jacuzzi bath when I come to visit you in January. Got it?

Sleeping Beauty.

2007-09-20T10:35:00.001-04:00

Baby Watching Traffic.

2007-09-20T10:19:00.000-04:00

The Chinese people are fascinated by us Caucasian folks with Chinese babies. Seriously fascinated...whether they are young or old, male or female. Today a few of the families in our travel group walked to a shopping area in Chongqing for baby supplies, and sometimes foot traffic came to a stand still as a crowd began to form around the babies. It's surreal. Most of the onlookers seem very friendly. Some look bewildered. Some think we need to cover up our already sweaty babies more. I've taken to draping a blanket over the bar of the stroller, or around Bella in the Hip Hammock to avoid being scolded.

The Toddfather says goodbye...for now.

2007-09-20T04:57:00.000-04:00

Todd left Chongqing for Chicago today. It was hard to say goodbye. Here are some pictures of a very special person with his very special niece.

The lovely Chongqing lady in the picture above is one of our guides, Mei.

Todd, we love you!

Keep your eye on the stacking cups.

2007-09-19T21:39:00.000-04:00

Ni Hao from China.

2007-09-19T05:32:00.001-04:00

Random Bits and Pieces.

2007-09-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

That's how my thoughts come right now. Bam. Bam. Bam., with the background a general thoughtless buzzing.

My adoption agency rocks. Seriously, you don't have to think about anything except your baby and how to deal with your aching back.

On the back...it's better. I am not sure if the reason is:
A.) taking it easy the second day in Beijing, not being allowed to carry ANYTHING then and on the flight to Chongqing, and multiple hot compresses helped it tremendously

B.) pure adrenaline has kicked in and I need to care for, hold, and rock my baby and that's it, so my mind, body and soul have somehow sent my back spasms packing and just let the constant ache hang around

or

C.) a bit of both. I suspect it's C. Nonetheless, I am still taking my prescription muscle relaxants. The problem with this is that I cannot take ibuprofen with these, and we are flat out of Tylenol. Today we asked our guide about acetaminophen and another couple asked about ibuprofen. Here was her paraphrased response, according to SK:

Guide: Well, those things aren't generally available in grocery stores. Most people in China, when they get a headache, they just deal with it. And drugs like that you have to get at a pharmacy, which usually means a doctor has sent you there, and you have to explain everything, etc.

My personal translation of above: Wimpy Americans. Do you really think I should have to lead this whiny group to yet another place for someone's personal needs? Especially when you all seem unwilling to risk life and limb by just walking into a crazy busy Chongqing city street? And why do you all walk so slow anyway? No wonder you are all so fat.

(***Seriously, no one in our travel group is very fat. Or even that whiny for that matter. They are basically all nice people. But still, I'd love to see our guide's inner thoughts on us. My guess is that they would be spicy, and maybe not in a good way***).

In a very nice effort, our guide did take us to a pharmacy, where nothing was labeled in English (What?! The nerve of a Chinese pharmacy having drugs only labeled in Chinese!) and most things weren't easily recognizable. The couple got their ibuprofen, but there was no acetaminophen to be had.

So, I have a few back-ups plans, one of which I will have to implement given the LONG flight home...

a. Guard remaining two prescription Vicodin with my life.

b. Go online and see if drugstore.com will ship to China for some amount less than our total adoption expenses OR call up BFF Carla with a list of needs. ask her to go shopping and overnight stuff to me (Carla, this is a warning. You may want to change your phone numbers, email address, and move. Oh wait, I'll still know how to find you. I'll just call the mall and Home Depot).

c. Bum stuff off fellow travel group members (Some of which has already gone on. One couple gave us these heat belts, which can wrap around various parts of your body and produce heat for 8 hours! Oh My God. I want to marry the heat belt. Of course, this couple are now hurting themselves after receiving a very chunky daughter. They probably hate me now because my sad state stirred them to give me some very precious items. Did I mention I want to marry the heat belt?)

Seriously though, on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday in Beijing, I said some very desperate prayers. I am a believer, but not a formal one. What I mean is that I've always believed that a relationship with God is a very personal, come as you are, kind of thing. In other words, my prayers are more like conversations, where I pretty much sound like me, rather than some more pious version of me. So, this prayer went something like this "Man, I cannot believe I could want to be a mother this bad, and have to wait so long, only to not be able to hold my baby. Nope, cannot believe that. Also, I cannot believe you want a bewildered, grieving, innocent baby to hear this stranger who's now her mother to drop the F-bomb about a hundred times a day as she writhes in agony or to see the stranger who is now her mama gripping her now baba's hand for dear life, walking gingerly and slowly with, to quote my BIL, "waves of pain" radiating from her body. Nope. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE cut me some slack here. I don't care what challenges lie ahead as we get to know Isabella and she us, but LET ME HOLD MY BABY". Of course, when bad things happen, I don't blame God, but when good things happen when I really NEED them to, I like to think I'm being helped out, since I don't believe I am just that lucky. So, thanks, big guy. And BTW, as I later found out even SK said a prayer, so thanks from him too. SK is lousy at thank you notes, as anyone who has given us a gift or helped us out in some way has probably noticed.

And finally...a good reason to password protect a blog once we return...two people have approached me, one of whom said, in a hotel elevator, with no prelude, "Are you Tammy Murphy?" Yep, it kinda freaked me out, because I don't have a blog that gets a ton of hits. And of course, I would probably do the same thing if I saw a blogger that I had followed and I happened to be in China at the same time as he or she. And the people who approached me were very nice. Nonetheless.

It's now time for Bella's midnight bottle. Cross your fingers that she cooperates.

We are three.

2007-09-18T05:15:00.000-04:00

OK, so I know you all want to kill me for not posting sooner. All I can say is we've been pretty focused on the little one, and we are completely smitten. I've never been as happy about anything in my life as I am about this.

We received Bella at about 3:45 PM on Monday. The Forever Family moment came very quickly...I don't think we were at the Civil Affairs Office more than 15 minutes before we had her in our arms. All 7 families in our travel group received their babies in about a 15 minute time span. She didn't cry much at all during the actual passing of her from the SWI director's arms to mine...I think she was calm because she had no idea what was happening to her, as her caregiver was still in the room.
Her caregiver seemed very fond of FuXun, and described FuXun as active, equally happy playing with others or alone, and very fond of bright toys, especially the color red. She also said that FuXun likes to steal other children's toys! I know I shouldn't encourage such behavior, but I have to say that this made me laugh-and laugh hard. We received our disposable camera back, but not the list of questions or anything else we had included in the care package. I am grateful for the camera, and look forward to developing it soon. Our guide has also provided us with copy of her finding ad.

Bella is the smallest baby in the travel group, at 7.0 kilograms (15.43 pounds). At 9.5 months, she is on the younger side, but not the youngest (there are a few babies born later in December 2006). She has a little rash, which the doctor traveling with us said will probably go away by keeping her cool and applying a little baby lotion on the area.

The doctor mentioned that she has delicate features and looks just like me, which I took as a huge compliment. However, he also thought that I had a Southern accent! Mmm.

SK is completely in love with his little girl. It makes me fall in love with my husband all over again every time I watch them together. I've never loved him more. We made our dreams of parenthood come true together.

The first night was rough. She was overtired and would not eat. I ended up dropping some formula into her mouth with the medicine dropper because she was so tired, so overheated, and so unwilling to eat. She was crying and screaming, but with no tears, and we feared dehydration. At midnight, she turned a corner, and accepted a bottle of formula. I don't think we've ever been so relieved in our lives. She then slept, and had another few ounces at 4am.

Today has been a great day. It's as though she accepted (at least for now) that she needs to let us care for her and that we are happy to do it. In the morning, we went shopping in the city, buying some formula, diapers, and a Chinese bottle. I carried her in the Playtex Hip Hammock, which she loved and which John and LaSalette lent us (thank you!). SK and I had tried the Ergo that Sparky was kind enough to lend us, but I don't think it fits Bella and me together that well. I am eager to try it again, but for now she seems to prefer the Hip Hammock. She just chilled and slept while we went about our business. We are a sight on the streets of Chongqing City...it was unbelievable how much attention we attracted. Some of the attention was clothing police related (Bella was in a short sleeved dress and socks), but most attention was quite positive. The most touching thing was several "thumbs up" signs from elderly Chinese people.

This afternoon, we returned to the Civil Affairs Office, and had our family photo and fingerprints taken. Our family photo is actually fairly nice, which is amazing given that it was taken in about 5 seconds and the photographer had to wake Bella up for it. We received our "Red Book" certificate and a beautiful Ruyi Golden Plate as a memento for Bella of her home city. SK had Bella in the Hip Hammock all afternoon and she did well.

SK and I take turns with changing diapers and feeding (although somehow I have lucked out and gotten the two poopy diapers she's had so far. Hmmm.) I don't see her having a preference for one parent over the other yet. I hope it stays that way.

We are not sure she has shown us everything she can do, but here's what we do know. She has smiled several times. She has 4 teeth (two lower, two upper) and is teething. She could care less about stuffed animals, but loves the plastic keys, the stacking cups, the Taggies Click and Twist toy, and the link, crinkly duck toy Aunt Tina gave her for Christmas 2005. She can prop herself up, roll over on both sides, and crawl across the bed. She cannot quite sit up by herself yet. She has a very "floppy head" and is particularly fond of throwing it back and screaming...the classic arching-the-back, get-away-from-me, behavior. She has trouble with prolonged eye contact, but looks at you directly, then slyly looks away and will steal glances at you when she thinks you are not looking. She does look at me a lot when she is in the Hip Hammock. She is fascinated by my hair and the one necklace I brought with me to wear. And, she loves looking at herself in the mirror (clearly taking after SK there)! So we do a lot of holding, cuddling, and stroking while holding her in front of the mirror. It is also a surefire way to calm her when she cries or fusses, as is MOTION. The girl loves MOTION. Rock her, bounce her, walk with her...it's all good and you better not stop!

It has been a real joy having Todd here with us. He is so easy to be with, and is so interested in all things China and all things Bella. He did an amazing job video taping our Forever Family moment yesterday...hopefully we'll be able to share that soon.

For now, I should run. The bottom line...we love, love, love her and our Forever Family lifetime has begun.

She still has "the look".

2007-09-17T00:59:00.000-04:00

It's 1:00 PM here, and SK and I completed some paperwork earlier in the hotel conference room. We saw an updated photo of our daughter pasted to one document; this will likely be the same photo used for her Chinese passport. I am happy to report that she still has the determined, "don't mess with me" look. And more hair! In 3 hours, we should see her in the flesh! The doctor that is traveling with us will examine all the babies in the travel group later today.

SK and I took a little walk after the paperwork. A lot of people looked at us like we are aliens, which we are, here in Chongqing.

Thanks for all the tips regarding the back issues. I did have some muscle relaxants and Vicodin with me from previous flare-ups, which believe me, I have used. I am saving my last few Vicodin for the part of the flight home were I might be able to sleep while SK cares for Isabella. Now I am on muscle relaxants and Tylenol. I do think things are improving.

And now, we are off to lunch! Our last meal as a couple...for our next meal, we'll be a family.

Dudes, there is a crib in our hotel room!

2007-09-16T20:26:00.000-04:00

Also a stroller and a baby bath tube! Unbelievable!!! We have made it to Chongqing. At 3:00 PM today, we will go to be united with our babies. It is finally going to happen. We are excited, a bit nervous, but most of all, just incredibly happy.

The flight from Chicago to Beijing was pretty grueling...tougher than I thought it would be, honestly. My back stiffened up and then I threw it completely out climbing the Great Wall. So, it has been a painful trip for me, in the sense that any jarring or transitions from sitting/standing/lying down set off these muscle spasms. SK has had to be a nursemaid. I do think things are getting better...I am not in so much pain that I am tearing up, as I was the first few days. And I even put my own panties on today, by myself! (Sadly,this is a great improvement). All I can think of is wanting to be my best self when I meet our girl, and this ain't it. But we are coping. And I have once again been struck at how SK can really step up to the plate when he needs to. I am a lucky girl.

We arrived on Friday, and had a group dinner, then we were all off to bed. On Saturday, we went to a jade factory on the way to the Great Wall. We bought Bella a jade dog, since she is a Year of the Dog baby. Very cute. Then it was off to the Great Wall, where unfortunately, I did very little climbing before feeling my back yank. However, SK and Todd took off and impressed the travel group with their stamina. One fellow adoptive parent asked SK "Do you run?", at which I collapsed into a laughing fit. It was painful, but worth it.

Sunday's activities were the Forbidden Palace, Tienanmen Square, and a rickshaw ride through the older part of Beijing, with lunch at a local family home. SK and I had to skip these activities; we took a car directly from the hotel to the airport for our flight to Chongqing. However, Todd went along with the group, and really enjoyed himself. The group seemed particularly enthusiastic about the rickshaw ride and lunch. We had a late flight to Chongqing, arriving at our hotel, the Holiday Inn, between 9pm and 10pm. There was a very good buffet dinner waiting for us, and then it was off to bed. This hotel is very, very nice, and has a children's playroom.

Today's agenda is breakfast, some paperwork in the hotel conference room at 11 AM, and then we depart the hotel at 3 PM to head to the Civil Affairs Office for our children. Apparently, there are going to be LOTS of adoptive families there (only 7 in our group, but we have heard there are 50 families with another group), so we are not sure how long we will be there. But we are getting back on that bus with our daughter. It doesn't get any better than that.

I was a little too smug.

2007-09-12T04:55:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, I weighed my suitcase. I was at 35 pounds, and feeling great. All I had to add was my remaining clothes (a few shirts, underwear, few pairs of socks, a nice cardigan sweater)and my tolietries. So I did that and re-weighed my suitcase. 50 LBS!!! How did that happen?!

OK, some confessions. I refuse to bring less than one pair of panties per day. REFUSE! I know there are laundry services, etc., but there are somethings you just don't want to mess around with. Also, I am not a woman with a fancy hairdo (no hair dryers, curling irons, straightening irons, brushes, etc.), but I am a woman who is obsessive about skin care. I'll attribute that to a.) being quite fair and b.) being allergic to a lot of products. So I am pretty fussy about facial cleansers, facial moisturizers, etc.

I am pretty sure the tolietries are my downfall. SK and I agreed that we wanted our suitcases to weigh 40 pounds when we left in case our scale differs from the airport scales. We don't want to be the ones in the group that force all of us to pay an overweight baggage charge.

Out went the inflatable tub (as my friend Cheryl predicted), the nice but heavy cardigan, one travel size bottle of Listerine, a travel size bottle of facial toner, and a fourth pair of pants. I am down to 44 pounds, but do want to get to 40 pounds.

I'll be the woman in China with the bad skin that's wearing either a hoodie or a nylon pullover jacket when I am cold, even if it's a dressy occassion. But then again, this trip is not about me.

One week.

2007-09-10T09:27:00.000-04:00

One week from today, we will have our daughter in our arms. This is actually going to happen!

I wish I had something coherent to say. SK and I are both in our offices this morning...SK won't be back in his for a month, and I won't be back in mine until November, when I do internship candidate interviews for the spring semester internship program. Wow.

I drove to work today with a car seat in my car. How wild is that?
(Note to Subaru Forester owners...having a Britax Decathalon installed rear-facing in your back seat is not an easy feat.)

We are mostly packed. All my clothes are going to have to be placed in a thin layer on the top of all the baby supplies, medicines, and clothes. I will not be looking good on this trip. When I place my carry-on backpack on my back, I am probably going to topple over.

Isabella's clothes, bedding, and curtains are all freshly washed with Dreft. My dear friend Carla put up the room-darkening shades in the baby's room yesterday. She also ironed the baby's curtains and crib dust ruffle, and I caught her ironing a onesie. Crazy lady.

I may not get a chance to post before we depart on Thursday...Boston to Chicago, where we will meet up with my favorite brother-in-law, the Toddfather (otherwise known as the Pack Mule), and then Chicago to Beijing. This is actually going to happen. I've decided to try and keep the blog going during the trip. Mostly because I've been too lazy to set up the by-invitation-only one. I'll set that up when we return. We will finally stop being a waiting family, and just become a family. Wow.

I want to thank everyone who has been following us as we realize our dream of becoming parents. I've enjoyed your comments tremendously. We've also met some amazing people through this blog (particularly the Sparky, Anne, Kikalee and Deb families). Along with becoming a family with the addition of our daughter, we have also become part of an extended circle of family and friends.

I feel very blessed right now.

They have no idea how much their little doggie worlds are about to change...

2007-09-03T05:37:00.000-04:00

Taking her place on our mantle.

2007-08-31T16:26:00.000-04:00

All our family photos on our fireplace mantle are in black and white. Here's the latest addition (we would have like to enlarged it more, but lost too much resolution). She's a great addition, is she not?

A little bit more about our girl.

2007-08-31T15:53:00.000-04:00

Not much posting going on these days due to the preparation madness. And I do mean madness...SK and I have been going pretty much non-stop. I can't believe that in 2 WEEKS we will be in China.

I was re-reading the development narrative that we received...here is a little excerpt:

Xiu Fuxun is an introversive little girl, who likes to smile and is some shy with strangers. Her appearance is lovely and not tends to give trouble to the care-givers...When you are close to her, she would look at you with her big black eyes and shows a sweet smile. She uses her own way to welcome your care for her.

I don't know how standardized these things are, but I have to say that I hope this part is not. It just makes my heart swell.

We have TA!!!

2007-08-24T15:05:00.000-04:00

Bella Baby, here we come!

When "Thank You" just doesn't cut it.

2007-08-21T13:30:00.000-04:00

On Sunday my friend Carla threw us an amazing baby shower, with lots of help from Cheryl and LaSalette. I can't even describe it. I was blown away, as was SK. Isabella received a ton of gifts!

-More clothes than she can ever wear (in addition to all the clothes I've already received from Cheryl and LaSalette)? Check.
-Baby Monitor? Check.
-Frog Pod for Bath? Check.
-Tub Seat for storage and giving baby a bath? Check.
-Floppy seat for grocery and shopping cart? Check.
-Books for baby and parents? Check.
-Music for baby? Check.
-Loads of fun toys? Check.
-Baby OTC Medicines? Check.
-Frames for photographs of baby? Check.
-Blankets galore, including some gorgeous handmade ones? Check.
-Baby food? Check.
-Baby Healthcare Kit? Check.

And there is more. LaSalette made a ton of food for this event, and created an amazing diaper cake, off which dangled portable toliet paper, hand santizer, baby shoes, a bottle stuffed with socks, and an outfit. Gifts gave from afar...Karen of GwenBlog sent us an extremely generous gift certificate from One Step Ahead, so I've knocked off all the baby proofing needs with that (Cheryl, ever the prepared one, will be glad to hear that). My wonderful in-laws have provided Isabella's ride. Did I mention we were blown away?

There were some very special guests...Grace, Mya, Lea, Siya, and Emma. They were great helpers, eager to aid in the gift opening. A big thanks to Cheryl, Carla, and LaSalette for making this one of the most kid-friendly showers I've ever been to.

Things have been rough this summer for SK and me, but once again, we were reminded of the gifts of these beautiful children, and how amazingly generous and loving our friends are. We are so lucky to have you in our lives, and we are thrilled our daughter will grow up with these girls (both the "little", under age 10 girls, and the "big", over age 10, girls. Not to mention the cute dads.)

"Thank You" hardly seems enough.

And now a few pictures (adorable kids not included out of respect for family privacy):

Arriving at Carla's (I like this picture because even though SK has his eyes closed, I am impressed that I actually have my hair parted. This is no small miracle. Yep, it's all about me):

Information on Xiushan SWI

2007-08-17T18:24:00.000-04:00

I just found this adoptive family's site, which has all kinds of information on Xiushan Orphanage. Very cool. Also, I learned that Chongqing is a municipality, which means that technically it's not in Sichuan Province. Chongqing is kind of like Washington DC is to us in the US. Interesting stuff.

A picnic photo shoot.

2007-08-14T09:06:00.000-04:00

Tuesday of late week was our friend Carla's birthday. To celebrate, we went for a picnic this Sunday. SK made all the food. We asked Carla to take some pictures of SK and me for the care package (I am a big fan of outdoor photos). We are using the following 4 photos in our care package.

The last one is of my BIL Todd, and it's older (2003-NYC), but he wanted me to use this one. We cropped it out from this photo of Todd and me on top of the Empire State Building...my hair was whipping around making me look like a crazy woman.

See? I kid you not.

This last picture is a picture of Carla, with our dog Indie. Carla declined to have her picture taken with Darth Buca. Shocking.

A big, wonderful box from EmmaLi!

2007-08-14T03:55:00.000-04:00

On Monday, Isabella received an amazing box of gifts from her pal EmmaLi in Illinois.
EmmaLi is the beautiful daughter of Dawn, who I got to know virtually early in our adoption processes. Dawn has been rooting for our referral almost as much as we have!

So, the box. First of all, it was beautifully decorated with captions like "It's A Girl!". Then, Dawn had included some photos she made using digital scrapbooking...really lovely. We were particularly smitten with a black and white photo of Isabella that was "matted" with a purple frame. And there was also a layout of EmmaLi, carying around a picture of Bella. EmmaLi has grown so much. I am really hoping to get the girls together in the next year somehow. In the box, there was a Little Touch Leap Pad, with two story books! SK and I both played with it (picture SK with a pink Little Touch Leap Pad on his lap). There were two great outfits, including a bib that says "Daddy's Little Sweetheart", which SK has decided MUST go to China. There were chewable baby keys, Cheerios, and fruit puffs. Such generosity!

A big thanks to Dawn, EmmaLi and the whole family!!!

A Child's Right.

2007-08-13T10:36:00.000-04:00

This organization provides potable water through the installation of water purification systems in various countries. In May 2007, they went to Xiushan SWI, which is the orphanage our daughter is living in. Take a look at the photos on the website. They are amazing! (A BIG thanks to Johnny for tipping me off to this).

I am not big on fate and all that jazz. But as some of you know, I am an environmental economist that studies drinking water quality issues and I had a fellowship at the US EPA, in the Office of Groundwater and Drinking Water, working on three water quality regulations (Long Term 2 Enhanced Surface Water Treatment Rule, Stage 2 Disinfection Byproducts Rule, and the Groundwater Rule). I am grateful to this organization as a global citizen, as an environmental professional, and most of all as a mother.

Please consider making a donation in memory or on behalf of someone you love.
We just did. Guess whose honor we made it in?!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled silly programming (maybe it's time for SK to post?)

35 years old and a MOM.

2007-08-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

Today is my 35th birthday. I don't have to tell you that I have already received my birthday present.

Last night we went with friends Catherine and Willie, and some of their family, to see this. So nice to have a night out away from my VDS at home. Right now SK and I have been focused on resolving the VDS in the next 10 days or so, in order to have our home to ourselves to rest and get ready for Baby Isabella.

Tonight, thanks to my MIL & FIL, who have already sent me a wonderful birthday card and generous gift, SK and I are going out for dinner alone. Lovely! Tomorrow we plan to take advantage of a tax-free weekend in MA and buy either an all-terrain stroller (I want to take some long walks with Isabella this fall in the Blue Hills and in other serene places)or some car seats.

There is a good chance Tim's brother Todd, Isabella's "Todd-father", is going to be able to join us for our first week in China. Can you say "pack mule"?

I have to tell you that 35 feels pretty amazing when you are looking at your baby girl's sweet face a few hundred times a day.

And now the important question: Clothes.

2007-08-09T13:01:00.000-04:00

Due to kindness of our friends, this kid already has more clothes than SK and me combined. I am serious.

I put all the size 2 and size 3 shoes we have received in the top drawer of her dresser. When I showed SK, his exact words were "Fricken' women". Yep, we girls like our shoes.

Isabella is currently 26.4" long and weighs 15.43 pounds. Cheryl thinks she'll be mainly in 3-6 month year old clothes. I am trying to figure out what combination of 3-6 month and 6-9 month year old clothes to take. Mostly 3-6 month and just a few 6-9 month? How many pairs of shoes did you all bring? Help!!!

I am trying very hard not to engage in any clothes or toy buying right now. I've been busy preparing the care package: we have a blanket, toy key chain, a book with rattler and teether, a small stuffed butterfly, and the photo album (which I am finishing up and labeling). We also have some hand lotion for the nannies, a disposable camera, and a list of questions, of course!

In other news, our agency suggests we may travel on 9/13 rather than 9/20. I say "Let's go!"

Updated Measurements

2007-08-07T17:50:00.001-04:00

We received our updated measurements today. Our girl is currently 26.39 inches tall and weighs 15.43 pounds. Her head and chest circumference are both 16.54 inches.

We also received her full report...she is described as being quiet and "shy with strangers". Apparently, she is easy to care for. She is also described as liking to smile a lot (although apparently not when she has her referral photos taken)! Finally, she apparently likes to smile at her caregivers and look at them with her "big black eyes".

We also received her finding location and the name of the person who found her, which is a gift.

I can't wait to see the smile and big black eyes in person. Pretty damn amazing.

Yep, she's small!

2007-08-05T02:43:00.001-04:00

I just spent some time with the Chinese growth charts. Our girl is indeed tiny, despite her chubby cheeks. In height, she falls below the 3rd percentile, and she falls between the 3rd and 10th percentile in weight and head circumference. It looks like 3-6 month and 6-9 month clothes for sure on the trip. I am glad that I bought a mei tai long ago, since she'll be light and can face into me or Tim if she wishes.

Cheryl and Bruce think we dodged a bullet since under "Personalities", the following are checked:
Quiet
Fond of listening (which our social worker thinks is fond of listening to music)
Fond of Quietness

I am really looking forward to getting the full report, updated measurements, and getting to know our girl better!

Just a little happy on referral day.

2007-08-03T11:56:00.000-04:00

SK and I, with gifts from Carla (a stuffed lamb, flowers, an Elmo TV remote, fruit puffs, and of course, Starburst for SK!)

My special necklaces.

2007-08-03T11:45:00.000-04:00

I have two special necklaces. One is the "Mother and Daughter" necklace from Red Envelope that Carla gave to me long ago. The other is a necklace that says "Mother" in Chinese characters...Cheryl and Bruce brought me this necklace from China in December, when they brought their daughter Mya home.

I was waiting until referral day to wear either necklace. Last night Carla came over to celebrate, so I asked her to place my special gift on me. This was a great moment.

The happiest signature ever-Mom.

2007-08-03T10:54:00.001-04:00

The happiest signature ever-Dad.

2007-08-03T10:42:00.000-04:00

How to be really, really sweaty and be very happy at the same time.

2007-08-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

1. Get the earliest possible appointment at your agency on referral day, 1:00 PM. Referral day needs to be hotter than hell.
2. Drive through Kenmore Square in Boston when there's a Red Sox game going on (which you are completely unaware of, being the avid sports fan you are, until you arrive in traffic hell).
3. Get yelled at by a cop on Commonwealth Ave for during too fast through a construction area. Yell out "Hey, I just got an adoption referral!!!"
4. Arrive at agency, discover there's very limited parking, and discover the your parallel parking skills are still horrid, especially when you have a "bike rack o' death" hitched to your car. Call your husband, who's already arrived at agency, and say "I really need you to fix my parking". But note that although his attempts numbered less than 100, it did take multiple attempts. Feel better, and attempt to wipe sweat from your brow.
5. Dash up to agency and be brought into a conference room with a map to wait to see your baby.
6. Point to where your baby is right now in China and SMILE for husband.

Some thoughts on our girl.

2007-08-03T00:07:00.000-04:00

Like there are any other thoughts in my head!

- She has the exact same expression in both her referral photos. SK thinks it means "You will rue the day...". I think she is a pensive little one, mulling things over.
- She is described as quiet, a moderate sleeper, and as being able to hold her head up when on her stomach, and roll over.
- Although she has a round little face and chubby cheeks, our agency told us that she is tiny.
- I think she has a big, wide forehead like me. But it may just appear that way because her hair is very sparse on top as of this picture, which makes her look a bit like she has male pattern baldness.
- I think her eyes are very intelligent and thoughtful.

I never knew I could have every detail of two pictures memorized and yet still want to look at both pictures again at least 100 more times before going to bed.

I feel so, so, so blessed right now.

At last.

2007-08-02T17:28:00.000-04:00

For a limited time only, we present

Xiu Fu Xun
soon to be

Isabella Carmen FuXun Murphy

Date of Birth: December 3, 2006
Date of Referral: August 2, 2007

Chongqing City
Sichuan Province
People's Republic of China

As of 5/30/2007: 24 inches tall and 12 pounds.

We are thrilled!!!

And the prize for the closest guess...

2007-08-02T11:21:00.000-04:00

goes to Emma's mom, LaSalette with a guess of early December...the 2nd or the 4th!
Honorable mentions go to Sparky (12/16/2006), Yoli (8 months), and Cheryl (8-9 months). Oh MY GOD! I am a mom. I AM A MOM, PEOPLE!!!

Pure joy...the call that changes everything.

2007-08-02T11:15:00.000-04:00

We have a daughter. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. Forgive me for any spelling mistakes I may make...I got the call as I was pulling into the university this morning at about 10:05 am.

Her name is Xiu Fu Xun. She was born on 12/3/2006, and lives in Sichuan Province in the Xiushan Social Welfare Institute. She will be 8 months old tomorrow. We have a 1:00 PM appointment at our agency.

This is the happiest day of my life.

The Dogs Days of August.

2007-08-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

I think I may be glowing.

2007-08-01T16:55:00.000-04:00

There may be referrals in the air, the cut-off date may be November 21st, and they may arrive tomorrow. Oh. My. God. I MAY just die of a heart attack.

Maybe this is the last Tuesday before I become a mom.

2007-07-31T10:08:00.001-04:00

I hope so. Those referrals better hurry up and get here. I am not sure I can last another week. Well, yeah, I could. I have to. But I don't wanna!

I am very mature.

I wanted to respond to a few of the comments. Yes, the baby fairies are wonderful. With all the help we've gotten from Carla, Cheryl & Bruce, LaSalette & John, and my MIW/RLM posse (Sparky & Bob, Anne & Marty, Lisa & Rich), we sort of feel like we have our own personal adoption trip & baby preparation team. Seriously. Items borrowed to date, in addition to the clothes and shoes: Baby B'Air, Hip Hammock, Inflatable Tub, Passport and ID holders, Jumperoo, Walker, Bottle Warmer, Backback on wheels (to be used as a carry on and diaper back). And I am sure I am forgetting something. It's AMAZING. People are so excited for us, which is especially touching when many of them have recently arrived home with their own beautiful children. Our friends rock. Period.

Regarding the giraffe decorative pillow and the letters pictured below: Those of you that know me in real life know that I don't MAKE anything. I am hopelessly non-crafty. SK & I are the first ones to admit that we have no real skills.

The pillow I got at Babies R' Us, and I think I bought that well over a year ago when we were shopping for a shower gift for LaSalette and John. It goes with the "theme" of Isabella's nursery, which is the discontinued John Lennon "Real Love" collection from Carters...it has all kinds of whimsical looking animals like giraffes, elephants, rhinos, etc. The letters that spell out Bella's name I bought from Ebay. They are actually made of the same material that the JL Real Love Collection is made from (click on the picture with the letters to get an enlarged view). You can order the letters in a variety of fabrics from this lady. I was very pleased with them overall, although I wish the "B" looked a little better. The seller is easy to deal with, and she had them done very quickly. They are a nice alternative to the very common wooden letters, but I must warn you that they take up a lot more wall space. It's a good thing I cheaped out and didn't order the "I", "S", and "A"!

Ok, back to pretending to be productive at work.

A little glimpse of the nursery.

2007-07-30T19:09:00.001-04:00

Waiting for the

2007-07-30T17:01:00.001-04:00

Gifts from the baby fairies.

2007-07-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

And this was just the first batch, and just the clothes! Another batch has since arrived!!!

Here we go.

2007-07-30T15:02:00.000-04:00

OK, so the madness has officially hit. I had decided that the referral was coming the week of August 6th, so last week I was pretty calm. Then there were rumors that referrals may have been mailed on Thursday or Friday, and I realized IF that were true, then we might get our referral this week...even early this week. So, on Saturday, I officially began getting nutty, randomly shouting out "We're going to have a baby!" to SK. I started developing all kinds of contingency plans for this week, since I actually have two social events, in addition to dog training class.
Me planning to go out three weekday nights in a row, in addition to any gym activity. Truly amazing.

Today I had an appointment with a medical professional for my VDS family member. This involved a hour drive each way, and some pit stops for errands, bathroom breaks, etc. I carried my cell phone, notebook and pen everywhere.

Now it seems that the packages may not contain referrals, so I guess I should probably repress some of my nuttiness. I guess this is all part of the journey!

This weekend SK and I got a lot accomplished. Finally, we took in our much neglected bikes for a tune-up. Because we'll have so much time to ride them once Bella gets here. On Saturday, Carla came for dinner and bought more baby clothes and medications from the baby fairies Cheryl & Bruce, and John & LaSalette. There's a red and black dress that has me particularly bowled over, and I haven't even looked at most of the goodies yet. Also, the paint scraping agony continued. Ugh.

Bring on the babies!

P.S. Darin, I'd love to touch base with you! PM me at crazyredheadedwoman@gmail.com if you can; I couldn't find your blog or email.

So, what's on your mind these days?

2007-07-25T14:55:00.000-04:00

I am thinking that within the next 14 days, we will receive our referral. Wow. Part of me believes that this is in fact, true, and part of me thinks some unforseen obstacle will arise. I am emailing our agency today to make sure all our phone numbers are up to date, and to ask them to call our cell phones first.

I have to admit that I am going to be bummed if SK gets the call before me.

I've been enjoying all your guesses as to age. I hope that Cheryl is right in her prediction that Isabella has some hair that sticks up. Our friend's daughter, Emma, had a bit of a punk rock 'do going on in her referral picture and I always thought that was the coolest thing.

Right now, we refer to Isabella lovingly as "Kung Fu Diva", because I'd rather be a martial arts mom than a soccer mom. And I want her to always be able to hold her ground (except with me, of course! OK, even with me, although I may not appreciate it at the time). So, a little spiky 'do seems just about right. Of course, this comes from a woman whose favorite comment on her teaching evaluations from last semester was "Murphy does not suffer fools gladly".

Speaking of martial arts, SK began his karate class on Monday. I must admit he looks very handsome in his gi. Oh yeah. His dojo starts lessons for children at age 3, so I am hoping she's into it. Either that, or fencing. The only must I have is that she learns to swim. Still, it would be nice if she turns out to be a combat or weapons girl. I dare to dream.

I have to hand it to SK. We've been dealing with a Very Difficult Situation (VDS) at home involving another family member. I won't go into details because it's not my story to tell, but it is a member of my family that's involved. And the VDS has basically washed away our summer because we can't have other visitors or even get-togethers at our house. We had to forgo a vist with our friend from DC, Marvin, who is the greatest visitor because his primary activity is telling SK how he is only visiting to see me and how he loves me very much. A girl can use a friend like that.

The VDS consumes a lot of my energy. Part of me resents this because these final weeks of waiting should be a time of joy for SK and me, and our impending referral is not on the family member's radar. SK has done much better with this than I would if I were in his shoes. Because of this, I've been able to hold up and try to get the VDS resolved (at least in terms of it being on our home) before we go to China.
And SK gets that even though a lot of my efforts in the VDS area are fruitless, I am doing what I need to do to be OK with me, to know that I gave it my best shot. And that's a lot to get when the VDS consumes a lot of your food and your wife's attention. In this pre-referral time, SK should get the best of me. But he doesn't. Not by a long shot.

SK and I, along with Carla, did have the pleasure of watching Cheryl and Bruce's Mya the other evening. Mya is eighteen months worth of ENERGY! It was a lot of fun...Mya loves starring in her own show. After arriving home well in time to do the bedtime routine with Mya, C&B gave us some very helpful travel tips. They also gave us A TON of clothes, from both their Mya and John & LaSalette's Emma. Unbelievable. Between these bags of clothes (all wonderfully organized by size and season, of course. Where do these people come from?), all the clothes friends and family have already given us,and the few outfits I bought eons ago, I don't think I'll need to buy any clothes for this girl. We also scored a Baby B'Air, a jumperoo, a walker, and a bottle warmer from the C&B/L&J godsends!

Wow, long post. Then again, long wait.

How old will she be?

2007-07-18T12:59:00.001-04:00

One of the things I wonder about something like 50 times a day is how old Isabella is. SK thinks she will be 12 months at referral. I have no idea. It doesn't matter to us one way or the other, but it will be so nice to finally KNOW in another three weeks or so. If you have any guesses about Isabella's reported birthdate, feel free to comment. I will let you who comes the closest!

20 Months.

2007-07-18T08:24:00.000-04:00

This is the 20th month anniversary of our log in date. Is it the final anniversary before referral? God, I hope so. Please, please, please.

Let's see: an update of SK's karate class. He hasn't gone yet. So I have nothing fun and embarrassing to report. I think he is going to start next Monday instead.
I am hoping to find someone that can sneak in with a video camera. In all seriousness, I am proud of SK for starting this. He says that he doesn't want to rival me in breast size, and I wholeheartedly support that goal. Let's face it, women: we don't want our men to weigh less than we do, be prettier than we are, or have bigger breasts than we do. I don't have the self-confidence for any of that.

We have started a dog training class on Tuesday evenings. Let's just say both our dogs need some work. Specifically, they need to learn to stop jumping up and going into a wild barking frenzy when people arrive at our home. So, we are starting with mini-schnauzer Buca, in a class taught by this woman. I have to admit I am kind of crushin' on her. She's very good at what she does, with a funny, strong personality. But I digress. So, Buca is in this class with maybe 5-6 other dogs. And he is the star of the class! The instructor actually said "Buca is a little more advanced than the rest of the dogs". I nearly passed out. Those of you that have actually interacted with Buca in real life know why. This is a dog that jumped on our dear friend Carla so much one day that he actually pulled her pants down. I wish I were making this up. Carla no longer wears drawstring pants to our home. Clearly, Buca must be crushin' on this instructor as well, as he refuses to reveal his evil true self.

I have been thinking about what you all have been saying regarding needing strength for the baby. I also know that I am about 20 pounds heavier than I should be and some days I feel like I look like a human bowling ball. Not a good feeling, although I am all for man-made bowling balls. I happen to own my very own purple one, with sparkles. But again, I digress.

I am determined to get in better shape. A healthy lifestyle is something I'd like to model for Isabella. I've always struggled with my weight, and it seems the only way I can stay at a size 6 is to A.) Run 4 miles a day and do Nautilus 4 times per week, or B.) Get a divorce.

Seriously, divorce is the best diet plan I've ever been on. If you are such despair that you never sleep, and go at 90 mph all day long to hold off your grief, then DAMN...those pounds really come off! However, Option B is out because I actually really enjoy being SK's wife. Option A is unrealistic for every day...I managed it when in graduate school, but that was to avoid writing my dissertation. Nonetheless, I am going to make a more serious effort. I am happy to report that yesterday SK did the grocery shopping so that I could go to the gym. I ran, I walked at a steep incline (practice for the Great Wall), and I did the full Nautilus circuit. Listen to me roar!

Finally, I want to thank you all for some great comments. I often try to respond personally, but some of you have profiles that do not link to either a blog or an email. The commenter I am most curious about is Galen. I have a friend whose middle name is Galen, so I thought that was him, but it turns out that this is not the case. Very, very funny comments. If you are so inclined, email me at crazyredheadedwoman@gmail.com.

Cautious.

2007-07-16T08:00:00.001-04:00

After all this waiting, you would think I would be frantically checking the Rumour Queen all day. But I am not there yet. I think, after all this waiting, I don't quite believe we are going to actually get a referral in this next batch, even though we have every reason to be optimistic. SK and I have talked about this; for some reason we both feel like we might get the rug pulled out from under us at the last minute. It's almost like we are afraid to get too excited...SK keeps saying "I'll believe it when I see it". My heart is so fragile that I think I've bubble-wrapped it.

I can't believe that in four weeks or less, we may be handed a picture of a child that is OUR DAUGHTER. I am dying to see her face. I know in that moment, everything will change. But I am still afraid that moment will never happen.

Nonetheless, we are preparing. Not in a Cheryl and Bruce kind of way, but in a Tim and Tammy kind of way, which means tiny little bits of preparation here and there.
I have purchased the rubber pants, which everyone advises in case of "blow outs" on the flight home. Ugh. I am cringing at the thought. I've asked my friends Sparky and Anne for copies of their packing lists, which they have graciously given me. I made a spreadsheet for our own packing list and have been adding items here and there. I am re-reading our agency's referral and travel packet.

SK starts a karate class tonight. Ha! I predict he either gets carried out of the dojo on a stretcher or is unable to get out of bed tomorrow morning. For some reason, he won't allow me to go watch his class.

The great paint scraping project continues, with several hours logged yesterday.
Ugh, ugh, UGH. I keep telling myself it will look so much better when it is all done. Yeah, right.

Rant of the day.

2007-07-10T07:27:00.000-04:00

Many of you know that my brother, who is two years younger than me, is a victim of the Station Nightclub Fire in Rhode Island. The fire resulted from the use of pyrotechnics in an overcrowded club that was insulated with a cheap flammable foam. Fortunately, my brother survived, but not wihout being intubated, having a feeding tube, a later trachetomy, and of course, skin grafts. Not without being in a coma and waking up to discover that one of the three people he was with had died.

I've always viewed the fire as the result of a series of mistakes by different people (Great White-the band, the club owners, the fire inspector, etc.) that collided in this one horrific incident that killed 100 people and injured over 200.

You figure that we should learn, right? But today, on my way to work, I hear that two people were hospitalized when pyrotechnics at a Beyonce concert got out of control. Makes me crazy.

Scraping by in July.

2007-07-09T07:42:00.000-04:00

Lots of random little bits today.

I want to let readers of my personal blog on Typepad, "Finding Family",know that I have cancelled my Typepad account and deleted the blog. Right now, I am blogging just here, and eventually will switch to another blog on blogger after referral that will be by invite only. Again, if you would like to be invited, please email us at tammytimisabella@yahoo.com. I have been saving all the requests.

The cancellation of the Typepad account was prompted by a big financial summit SchnauzerKing and I had this weekend. Things have been rough, and I don't mean rough in a "we won't be able to take a Caribbean cruise this year" sort of way. I mean rough in a seriously "Yikes" kind of way, largely because we spent about 50% of our take home pay on our mortgage. This is not uncommon in expensive metro areas, but it certainly makes life less carefree. In addition, as many of my close friends know, my brother has been staying with us since the beginning of June, and so that entails some extra expense. One bad thing about growing up poor is that I tend not to panic until true disaster strikes. "Financial problems" to me means public housing, food stamps, and being eligible for free school lunch. Right now, I feel lucky to have the house we have, which we love despite its challenges. I feel lucky to have a decent job and a reliable car, and to be able to eat fresh produce. So disaster has not yet struck by any means, and because of that I have been living in a bit of denial, me thinks. With the upcoming adoption trip and the added expense of raising a daughter, big time financial problems could arise if we don't have our finances under control, and we simply cannot let that happen. SK and I spent a lot of time talking about "nice to haves" vs. "necessities". And so, no more $8.95/month for Typepad.

This weekend we also decided to undertake an item on our home repair "to do" list. We painted Isabella's room a light yellow (Straw by Benjamin Moore)eons ago, and the room has warm white trim called "Swiss Coffee" (also Benjamin Moore). We are happy with this combination. The problem is because we did not scrape before we painted the trim, the paint began to peel around the door frame to her room. Just a few spots, but things have not gotten so bad that we want our daughter to start eating paint flakes. So we decided to scrape all the door frames, and some of the doors, on the second floor as close down to the bare wood as possible. We also decided to repaint the walls in the second floor hallway, getting rid of the dull light blue/gray color that is there, using a color called "French Lilac" (also Benjamin Moore). I think this will all look terrific once it is done. The bad news is that I did not realize how much work and mess all this scraping would entail. Because I have asthma, I have to wear a mask while doing it, which gets pretty damn hot. Paint chips and dust everywhere. Thank God for the shop vac. And we are nowhere near done. I also discovered that if I scrape paint for 4 or 5 hours straight, I will barely be able to lift my arms the next day (translation: I am very out of shape). It's all very depressing.

On the up side, in four or five weeks, I expect we will see our daughter's photographs, know how old she is, know where she is living. And that is everything. The only thing I've ever been completely sure of in life is that I wanted to be a mother. I am going to be a mother. How fortunate am I?

Could August be our month?

2007-07-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

I am feeling optimistic. If the rumors are right and 11/14/2005 is this month's log-in date cut-off, that means that the CCAA got through 5 business days last month. There are 4 business days between 11/14/2005 and 11/18/2005, which is our log-in date. So it seems entirely possible that early August may finally be our time. I will turn 35 on August 10th, and I can't think of a better gift than finally being able to see our daughter's face!

The demise of one of my favorite things.

2007-06-26T14:12:00.000-04:00

Today is a sad day. I was making an effort to clean up my home office. Trust me, if you were able to actually see my home office, you'd understand the Herculean effort such a goal involves. But I digress. I was leaning over, wiping something down, when I stood up and knocked over my Andy Sipowicz snow globe. This snow globe was made for me by my friend Eileen Keegan, who gave it to me when I finished graduate school in 1999 and took my first college level teaching position. It easily ranks in the top 20 of my favorite personal possessions. I sense an impending NYPD Blue DVD marathon to cope with my grief. You gotta love a man who is deeply flawed, but continues to struggle to become a better man. And now, a moment of silence for the snow globe.

Ok. In other news, referrals should arrive in the next 10 days or so, and rumor has it that a family with a log in date of 11/18/2005(the same as ours)has been told they will not make this batch. Not a big surprise. Last month I had resigned myself to an August referral and so I am not distressed by this rumor. I am much more upset about the snow globe incident. Also, Scott O. asked in a comment what the first character in the Chinese wall hanging pictured in an earlier post is...the characters are Peace,Love, Happiness.

And finally, if you live in the South of Boston area, and you want to get fat, go here. Yum.

A little Father's Day outing.

2007-06-21T16:57:00.001-04:00

More Father's Day Loot for Tim.

2007-06-21T16:46:00.001-04:00

Here is Tim opening his gifts from Cheryl, Bruce, and Mya and then from Carla.

Our new wall hanging.

2007-06-21T16:34:00.001-04:00

This is one of Schnauzer King's Father's Day gifts. It is from the Love Without Boundaries Art Action.

19 Months and other stuff.

2007-06-18T10:13:00.000-04:00

Today is our 19 month Log In Date Anniversary. I am not sure what to say about that.
We are hoping for an August referral at the latest. I am starting to worry about how much time I will have at home with Isabella, given that I am scheduled to begin teaching again in January 2008.

For those of you in MA that are interested in cloth diapering...there is a workshop on 7/14/07 in Natick MA. Check out zannadu.com for details.

I want to wish all the Dads out there a belated Father's Day. Special wishes to new dads Bruce, Marty, Rich and Bob. SchnauzerKing made out like a bandit for Dad's Day. Indie and Buca got him some boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Bella (amazing how she goes shopping even though we don't have her referral yet!) got him a lavender onesie and matching pants outfit that says "Daddy's Little Princess". I got him a quilted wall hanging from the Love Without Boundaries Art Auction that says "Peace, Love and Happpiness" in Chinese characters. Carla gave SchnauzerKing a baby sleeper outfit that says "I Love Daddy", a set of stacking cups, and of course, a bag of Starburst! Cheryl and Bruce gave us some much needed baby proofing gear and a Bubble Mower. SK is hoping the soapy bubbles will kill our lawn, saving him from any actual yardwork. Pictures are forthcoming!

The diaper question.

2007-06-13T07:57:00.000-04:00

So, sitting on this side of parenthood, I can think about how I would like to do things (rather than what I will need to do to survive). And right now, I intend to use some form of cloth diaper once we return from China. Yes, I may be insane. But the idea of all those disposbales ending up in a landfill just does not sit well with me. I am doing some research here, and leaning towards a pocket diaper system. Anyone have any experience with the cloth scene?

What is your Hobbit Name?

2007-06-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

So I ran across this hobbit name site and thought it would be interesting to share it with folks. I don't think I'll be changing my real name to my hobbit name anytime soon!

Yes, I realize that this is a picture of Gollum and not a hobbit. My hobbit name reminded me of Gollum's friendly greeting for Sam...."fats little hobbit!"

Referral News

2007-06-07T15:34:00.000-04:00

CCAA has confirmed that the last batch of referrals went up to the log in date of November 7, 2005. Congratulations to all those new families out there!

This referral batch contained 4 business days of logged-in dossiers. There are 9 business days between November 7, 2005 and our log-in date, November 18, 2005.
I think it's looking more and more like an August referral for us.

Because I need a Buca pick-me-up.

2007-05-30T05:46:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe not so calm.

2007-05-30T03:31:00.000-04:00

The latest referral rumors are that referrals will go up to 11/7/2005. Argh! It's not that we expected to be included in this batch, but we had really hoped referrals would go far enough into November that we could be super confident of getting a referral at the beginning of July. I am starting to panic now. Please, please, please don't let us have to wait until August to see Isabella's face in her referral photos. I really want to take advantage of not having to teach until January 2008...I want to maximize the amount of time I have home with our girl. Please, please, please do not let the whole summer go by before we have her home.

Ok, so I am not sure who I am talking to.

Oh, and insomnia reigns once again. I am not sure if it's the end of the semester stress getting to me, the referral business, or what. At least I got to list a few books I want to sell on ebay.

Speaking of online shopping, a comment on my last post suggested shopping and pointed me to Heather's Lanterns and Lotus Blossoms site, which linked to this site, Forget Me Not Kids. Oh my word. I am so in trouble. I have bought Baby Lulu clothing for friends and it is adorable. But what's worse: I really, really want this for me. But they appear to only have small left in stock, and I am a medium. And SchnauzerKing now breathes a sigh of relief. And no honey, that doesn't mean we should buy you a plasma TV instead.

Memorial Day weekend.

2007-05-28T13:05:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here, not wanting to grade a batch of final exams. So not wanting to grade. So, instead, I'll talk about the weekend.

- Gorgeous weather here in New England. Absolutely stellar.

- Yard work. Tim and I did some on Saturday, and then on Sunday slavedriver Carla came to spur us on. We have pulled up most of our Skelatore trees. We have freshly mulched beds. We have our whiskey barrels planted. Tomatoes and basil planted. Our patio set is out. Amazing! Did I mention Carla showed up?

- On Saturday Tim and I discovered a great dog park. Stoddard's Nek in Hingham. Dogs can run off-leash and it's surrounded by water on three sides, so they can also take a dip. I got knocked right off my feet by a dog, and then run over by two more and have the bruises to show for it. But, it was great fun!

- The referral situation. I am strangely calm. I expect referrals will come in the next week, and we will not make the cut-off. But I do expect that we will see CCAA get far enough into November that we can be confident of a referral in the beginning of July. Again, I am strangely realxed and optimistic (well, except for this grading exam business). It must be sunstroke.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

2007-05-21T17:02:00.000-04:00

As you know if you've been reading this blog, SchnauzerKing and I are not far away from receiving a referral for our first child, to be called Isabella.

We do not expect to receive a referral in early June...we are thinking early July. Nonetheless, I think we've both begun to think about having a daughter and protecting that daughter in a more concrete way. Therefore, we will no longer have a public blog once our adoption is complete. I haven't decided if the MAA will end with our referral or with our trip to China, but it will be ending in the next few months. Our life will be about raising our daughter and that will be the real adventure.

I will be starting a new blog over on Typepad (this will be a separate blog from my personal, pwp "Finding Family" blog on Typepad). The new blog will be password protected and devoted completely to Bella. So there won't be any rants about my career, chatter about what I am reading, gushing about dogs or any of that. I'll keep all that stuff on "Finding Family" and the new blog will be all about our girl.

I have mixed feelings about this, because I feel like I know some of you that I have never met. But the reality is that I don't. And site meters can only tell me so much about who's reading the MAA. I am not willing to take unnecessary chances. And I don't think it's fair to expose my daughter to whomever has Internet access.

We have set up an email address to handle the conversion. If you want the URL and password for the new blog, send an email to tammytimisabella@yahoo.com. When the new blog is up and running (either post-referral or post-China), I'll be sending out the information to the people we choose to share the new blog with (this information will be sent sometime between July and September). If I don't respond positively to your request, please don't take it personally. We are simply trying to walk the line between staying in touch with family and friends, and keeping our daughter's life reasonably safe and private. I'll have another post closer to shutdown time reminding people of the email address. In the meantime, this blog will go on, at a minimum, until we receive our referral, and at a maximum, until we return home from China.

Pics from the baby care class.

2007-05-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

18 months today, the 18th.

2007-05-18T13:15:00.003-04:00

Our dossier has now been logged in 18 months at CCAA. I am guessing we will hit the 19+ month mark, but thankfully perhaps not the 20 month mark. I am really hoping by early July we will finally see Isabella's face.

A moving story in Sunday's NYT.

2007-05-15T15:25:00.000-04:00

May 13, 2007
Modern Love
My First Lesson in Motherhood
By ELIZABETH FITZSIMONS
I SAW the scar the first time I changed Natalie’s diaper, just an hour after the orphanage director handed her to me in a hotel banquet room in Nanchang, a provincial capital in southeastern China.

Despite the high heat and humidity, her caretakers had dressed her in two layers, and when I peeled back her sweaty clothes I found the worst diaper rash I’d ever seen, and a two-inch scar at the base of her spine cutting through the red bumps and peeling skin.

The next day, when the Chinese government would complete the adoption, also was Natalie’s first birthday. We had a party for her that night, attended by families we’d met and representatives of the adoption agency, and Natalie licked cake frosting from my finger. But we worried about a rattle in her chest, and there was the scar, so afterward my husband, Matt, asked our adoption agency to send the doctor.

We had other concerns, too. Natalie was thin and pale and couldn’t sit up or hold a bottle. She had only two teeth, barely any hair and wouldn’t smile. But I had anticipated such things. My sister and two brothers were adopted from Nicaragua, the boys as infants, and when they came home they were smelly, scabies-covered diarrhea machines who could barely hold their heads up. Yet those problems soon disappeared.

I believed Natalie would be fine, too. There was clearly a light on behind those big dark eyes. She rested her head against my chest in the baby carrier and would stare up at my face, her lips parting as she leaned back, as if she knew she was now safe.

She would be our first child. We had set our hearts on adopting a baby girl from China years before, when I was reporting a newspaper story about a local mayor’s return home with her new Chinese daughter. Adopting would come later, we thought. After I became pregnant.

But I didn’t become pregnant. And after two years of trying, I was tired of feeling hopeless, of trudging down this path not knowing how it would end. I did know, however, how adopting would end: with a baby.

So we’d go to China first and then try to have a biological child. We embarked on a process, lasting months, of preparing our application and opening our life to scrutiny until one day we had a picture of our daughter on our refrigerator. Fourteen months after deciding to adopt, we were in China.

And now we were in a hotel room with a Chinese doctor, an older man who spoke broken English. After listening to Natalie’s chest, he said she had bronchitis. Then he turned her over and looked at her scar.

Frowning, he asked for a cotton swab and soap. He coated an end in soap and probed her sphincter, which he then said was “loose.” He suspected she’d had a tumor removed and wondered aloud if she had spina bifida before finally saying that she would need to be seen at the hospital.

TWO taxis took us all there, and as we waited to hear news, I tried to think positive thoughts: of the room we had painted for Natalie in light yellow and the crib with Winnie the Pooh sheets. But my mind shifted when I saw one of the women from the agency in a heated exchange in Chinese with the doctors, then with someone on her cellphone. We pleaded with her for information.

“It’s not good,” she said.

A CT scan confirmed that there had been a tumor that someone, somewhere, had removed. It had been a sloppy job; nerves were damaged, and as Natalie grew her condition would worsen, eventually leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. Control over her bladder and bowels would go, too; this had already begun, as indicated by her loose sphincter. Yes, she had a form of spina bifida, as well as a cyst on her spine.

I looked at my husband in shock, waiting for him to tell me that I had misunderstood everything. But he only shook his head.

I held on to him and cried into his chest, angry that creating a family seemed so impossible for us, and that life had already been so difficult for Natalie.

Back at the hotel, we hounded the women from the agency: Why wasn’t this in her medical report? How could a scar that size not be noticed? It was two inches long, for God’s sake.

They shook their heads. Shrugged. Apologized.

And then they offered a way to make it better.

“In cases like these, we can make a rematch with another baby,” the one in charge said. The rest of the process would be expedited, and we would go home on schedule. We would simply leave with a different girl.

Months before, we had been presented with forms asking which disabilities would be acceptable in a prospective adoptee — what, in other words, did we think we could handle: H.I.V., hepatitis, blindness? We checked off a few mild problems that we knew could be swiftly corrected with proper medical care. As Matt had written on our application: “This will be our first child, and we feel we would need more experience to handle anything more serious.”

Now we faced surgeries, wheelchairs, colostomy bags. I envisioned our home in San Diego with ramps leading to the doors. I saw our lives as being utterly devoted to her care. How would we ever manage?

Yet how could we leave her? Had I given birth to a child with these conditions, I wouldn’t have left her in the hospital. Though a friend would later say, “Well, that’s different,” it wasn’t to me.

I pictured myself boarding the plane with some faceless replacement child and then explaining to friends and family that she wasn’t Natalie, that we had left Natalie in China because she was too damaged, that the deal had been a healthy baby and she wasn’t.

How would I face myself? How would I ever forget? I would always wonder what happened to Natalie.

I knew this was my test, my life’s worth distilled into a moment. I was shaking my head “No” before they finished explaining. We didn’t want another baby, I told them. We wanted our baby, the one sleeping right over there. “She’s our daughter,” I said. “We love her.”

Matt, who had been sitting on the bed, lifted his glasses, and, wiping the tears from his eyes, nodded in agreement.

Yet we had a long, fraught night ahead, wondering how we would possibly cope. I called my mother in tears and told her the news.

There was a long pause. “Oh, honey.”

I sobbed.

She waited until I’d caught my breath. “It would be O.K. if you came home without her.”

“Why are you saying that?”

“I just wanted to absolve you. What do you want to do?”

“I want to take my baby and get out of here,” I said.

“Good,” my mother said. “Then that’s what you should do.”

In the morning, bleary-eyed and aching, we decided we would be happy with our decision. And we did feel happy. We told ourselves that excellent medical care might mitigate some of her worst afflictions. It was the best we could hope for.

But within two days of returning to San Diego — before we had even been able to take her to the pediatrician — things took yet another alarming turn.

While eating dinner in her highchair, Natalie had a seizure — her head fell forward then snapped back, her eyes rolled and her legs and arms shot out ramrod straight. I pulled her from the highchair, handed her to Matt and called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, Natalie was alert and stable, but then she suffered a second seizure in the emergency room. We told the doctors what we had learned in China, and they ordered a CT scan of her brain.

Hours later, one of the emergency room doctors pulled up a chair and said gravely, “You must know something is wrong with her brain, right?”

We stared at her. Something was wrong with her brain, too, in addition to everything else?

“Well,” she told us, “Natalie’s brain is atrophic.”

I fished into my purse for a pen as she compared Natalie’s condition to Down syndrome, saying that a loving home can make all the difference. It was clear, she added, that we had that kind of home.

She left us, and I cradled Natalie, who was knocked out from seizure medicine. Her mouth was open, and I leaned down, breathing in her sweet breath that smelled like soy formula.

Would we ever be able to speak to each other? Would she tell me her secrets? Laugh with me?

Whatever the case, I would love her and she would know it. And that would have to be enough. I thanked God we hadn’t left her.

She was admitted to the hospital, where we spent a fitful night at her bedside. In the morning, the chief of neurosurgery came in. When we asked him for news, he said, “It’s easier if I show you.”

In the radiology department screening room, pointing at the CT scan, he told us the emergency room doctor had erred; Natalie’s brain wasn’t atrophic. She was weak and had fallen behind developmentally, but she had hand-eye coordination and had watched him intently as he examined her. He’d need an M.R.I. for a better diagnosis. We asked him to take images of Natalie’s spine, too.

He returned with more remarkable news. The M.R.I. ruled out the brain syndromes he was worried about. And nothing was wrong with Natalie’s spine. She did not have spina bifida. She would not become paralyzed. He couldn’t believe anyone could make such a diagnosis from the poor quality of the Chinese CT film. He conceded there probably had been a tumor, and that would need to be monitored, but she might be fine. The next year would tell.

There would be other scares, more seizures and much physical therapy to teach her to sit, crawl and walk. She took her first steps one day on the beach at 21 months, her belly full of fish tacos.

NOW she is nearly 3, with thick brown hair, gleaming teeth and twinkling eyes. She takes swimming lessons, goes to day care and insists on wearing flowered sandals to dance. I say to her, “Ohhhh, Natalie,” and she answers, “Ohhhh, Mama.” And I blink back happy tears.

Sometimes when I’m rocking her to sleep, I lean down and breathe in her breath, which now smells of bubble-gum toothpaste and the dinner I cooked for her while she sat in her highchair singing to the dog. And I am amazed that this little girl is mine.

It’s tempting to think that our decision was validated by the fact that everything turned out O.K. But for me that’s not the point. Our decision was right because she was our daughter and we loved her. We would not have chosen the burdens we anticipated, and in fact we declared upfront our inability to handle such burdens. But we are stronger than we thought.

Elizabeth Fitzsimons, who lives in San Diego, is a reporter for The San Diego Union-Tribune.

A very happy birthday to a special girl.

2007-05-14T12:57:00.000-04:00

My sweet Indie is 5 years old today! I've loved having her in my life, and being a part of hers.

There are many ways to mother.

2007-05-14T10:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day for people who actually are mothers, right now.

Can I tell you about my friends? Cheryl became a mother to Mya this year. It was her first Mother's Day home with her beautiful little girl. Same goes for Sparky, who became a mother to Amazing Grace this year. Then there is Anne, who became a mom this year to Lea, and was celebrating her first Mother's Day. And there's LaSalette, who became Emma's mother in 2005. She and her family are currently waiting for a second daughter, Sophie. And last, but never least, there's Carla, whose path to motherhood has not yet revealed itself.

All of these people had their own joys to celebrate, or their own reasons Mother's Day could be a tough day. And yet.

And yet all of these people thought of me this week, and let me know it.

Cheryl, Bruce, and Mya gave us a beautiful card, and several gifts. Onesies, a formula storage/dispensing container, diaper wipes, infant Motrin drops. Unbelievable.

LaSalette, John, and Emma also gave us a lovely card, with a beautiful detachable bookmark, and a red onesie that says "My Heart Belongs to Mommy". Most of all, Emma sent kisses.

Carla gave us a stacker, with plastic rings and a rocker bottom...the classic toy. She also gave us two gorgeous picture frames, one that says "Family" and one with a family of ducks. A wonderful card for me. And a bag of Starburst for Tim, so that he wouldn't feel left out.

Sparky left me a sweet note on her blog. On a day she called "The Best Day Ever", she thought of me.

Anne sent me a very thoughful note earlier in the week, in the midst of enjoying Lea.

Wow. I am just blown away. Trust me, few things leave me speechless, but the kindness of my friends during this adoption journey has left me at a lost for words. I just don't know how to say "thank you" in a way that is meaningful enough.

It occurs to me that I am a pretty selfish person sometimes. When I've got a lot going on, either outwards or inwards, I tend to hunker down. I either complain endlessly (ask Tim), or I say nothing, and try to be strong. There's never a moderate reaction...it's always an extreme with me. At 34, I am still learning how to manage my feelings.

This time has been strange, because I am very happy for all my friends that have realized their dream of parenthood. And I love their children. I love my nieces Amber and Leah, and my nephew Ben. Truly. If Emma, Mya, Grace, Lea, Siya, Aman, Markus, Oscar, Abigail, or Amber, Leah, or Ben, were in trouble, and there was something, anything, I could do for them or their parents, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's that simple.

What's not simple is all these feelings around motherhood. Feelings about my own mother. Feelings of fear that I won't be a good mother, no matter how much I want to be. Feelings of fear that this has all been surreal...that it is not going to happen. That the universe is teasing me. And I know all of that is old news...people have heard all of this from me before. I know that there is no one to be mad at...it is no one's fault that we've been waiting for so long.

But yesterday I felt loved. And a bit mothered, as though my women friends were gripping my hand, and saying "I know. But it will be OK". As if somehow God had sent me these people that have cared for me, not only on Mother's Day, but for a long time, in many ways. There's that expression that when God closes a door, he opens a window. Yesterday, I believed that. So, to all the women that have cared for me as their friend (to Carla, Cheryl, LaSalette, Anne, Donna, Lisa, Betti, Daphne, to name a few), and to all of the women that have tried, in some way, to mother me a bit, even when I have been uncomfortable being mothered (to Carol, to Karen Murphy, to Mrs. Serpa), Happy Mother's Day. You're all teaching me, every day. Thank you.

Sometimes he gets it right.

2007-05-11T17:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got home from work and there were flowers waiting for me. Irises, which I love, and lilies. They were from SchnauzerKing, but he got home before I did, so he brought them in. They are lovely, but the best part was the note.

To my wife on Mother's Day
'cuz you are special in many a way,
here be some color-pink and blue,
in anticipation of parenthood for me and you.

Awww. What a poet. I also received a replacement for a Christmas 2005 present that arrived busted...a sculpture. (I am very big on copper, bronze and wood figures. And I could definitely use the inner peace). At first I didn't notice it, but then SK made some offhand comment about how I was not very observant and keep saying "Ommmm". I figured he was just losing it, but no, there was a point to all that. Thanks, babe.

Tomorrow, SK and I are taking a 4 hour class called "Baby Care for Pre-Adoptive First Time Parents". And oh yes, I am bringing my camera!

Congrats to all the new families out there!

2007-05-01T19:39:00.000-04:00

Referrals have made it to the US, and include up to November 1st 2005. Our agency received referrals for 3 families...the children were all around a year old.
Congratulations to Colleen, Joyce Gorgas (a secret pal), Sharon Wise, and many others out there!

13 days worth of LIDs remain before our date, 11/18/2005, comes up. I don't think we'll be in the next batch, but maybe baby for early July?

In honor of my very nerdy husband.

2007-05-01T09:39:00.001-04:00

What You Know About Math - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Because we can all use a laugh here and there.

2007-04-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

The latest.

2007-04-30T15:36:00.000-04:00

Referrals are expected soon and the rumor is that the cut-off date is November 1, 2005. This would leave 13 days of LIDs between us and a referral. I am not even going to try and predict when we might receive a referral, since in my wildest dreams I did not imagine the possibility that we would not travel to China this summer.

There is not much to do but live with it. This has been a surreal experience...counting down to a date that keeps getting pushed out. Life in limbo.
I think of myself as pretty tough, and regardless of whether that's true or not, I am not a stranger to heartache. But this is different somehow. The wait has gotten to a point that I feel like it chips off a piece of me everyday.

On another adoption-related note, a friend of ours visited us this weekend. Not a close friend, but someone who would probably be regarded as educated, liberal, etc.

Him: Did you order a boy or a girl?
Me: We requested a girl.
He grins, cognizant of my different word choice, and says "Did you put your Visa down?"

Somedays I am convinced I am surrounded by idiots.

Dog Parents.

2007-04-22T12:16:00.001-04:00

Those who are still waiting for their first child feel compelled to take lots of pictures of their dogkids...
And I hope we always do, even after the arrival of Isabella.

Springtime and Waiting

2007-04-20T08:24:00.000-04:00

The sun has finally returned. This is springtime. It's a time for renewal. It's a time to take joy in seeing new life blossom all around you. I have cacti growing in my work office near the window. One of them has sprouted a growth that has nearly doubled the height of it. I look at it and think, "wow, that's really cool!" And then I say to myself, "what would be even cooler is if I could share this with Bella." I find myself saying that often these days.

And so we continue to wait. To quote a great American philosopher, "It just ain't working for me dawg."

17 month LID anniversary.

2007-04-18T08:26:00.000-04:00

Ugh. And that's all I've got to say about that.

That forecasting site.

2007-04-10T07:52:00.000-04:00

According to this site, the best guess of when we will get a referral is May 27, 2007. God, I hope that's on target. BTW, there is now a 530 day backlog and velocity is at its lowest point in the time period that this site displays.

Resigned.

2007-04-10T07:06:00.000-04:00

Well, that bad news is official...CCAA has updated their website. Sigh. Yesterday I just wanted to throw my hands up and crawl into a cave for the next few months. Even SchnauzerKing was feeling it. We went to the grocery store and moped through the aisles, singing "We're all alone, we got no baby". When we went to bed last night, I said to him "Just think, in another five years or so, we should have a baby to put to bed". Nothing like wallowing in self-pity.

I think I am over it, at least for the moment. At the end of May, the spring semester will be over and I'll have no more teaching responsibilities. I'll try to use June for some research and writing that I really do need to do...although I refuse to deal with reality, the reality is that I will be up for tenure before too long and I am really bad at balancing teaching, research and service. Now, chances are that we won't be going to China in July, so hey, a bonus month to work. Yahoo. Yes, I am grasping at straws, but I have to. There's nothing we can do. My new hope is that we have the baby for my 35th birthday, which is early to mid-August.

I did get a little boost in my spirits at the end of the day. I came home to find a copy of my friend Andy's first book in the mail, The Doom of Reconstruction, along with a lovely note. Andy is a Civil War historian out at East Tennessee State, and he has been my friend since college. Andy is husband to Nicole and father to 14 month year old Abigail. Andy also married SchnauzerKing and I, something that helped to make our wedding perfect in my mind. There's a line about me in the acknowledgements,which SchnauzerKing translated to "Tammy has given me grief since college and continues to do so". That sounds about right. But seriously Slap, I am proud of you.

Right now, this is harder than I thought it would be.

2007-04-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

It seems that the bad referral rumors are true. Many families with LIDs of 10/27/2005 and 10/28/2005 have received calls saying they are not in this month's batch. There is one family using my adoption agency, with a LID of 10/26/2005, that has posted a referral for a 7 month old girl from Hunan province. The social worker that called would not give this woman any indication of the cut-off date. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Of course, I knew we would not be in this batch. But I thought this batch would give us a pretty good idea of when we might actually get a referral - early May, early June, or early July. Since the CCAA only referred two days worth of LIDs this month, and there are now 17 days worth of referrals separating us from Isabella, I really have no idea. Whatsoever.

I want to think positively, I do. But right now, it is a dark day. Right now, I want to tell everyone who has children and says to me "Just be patient", "Don't stress","Your baby isn't ready for you" or "Once you get that referral, you'll forget the wait" to jump in a lake. A really dirty polluted one. Right now I want to say that the sweet, well-meaning comments like "You and SchanuzerKing are going to be wonderful parents" are like little needle pricks. They shouldn't hurt; their intent is helpful and benign. Yet they do. Because deep down, I know we are going to be imperfect, but great, parents. I just want to get there, be that. Right now, I very much want to believe that we are going to finally hold that baby in our arms this summer. But I don't know. I want to go into Isabella's nursery and write her a beautiful letter. But right now, all I could write is "Baby, where are you?"

This one could do me in. Seriously.

2007-04-06T11:37:00.000-04:00

The latest rumor is that this month's bunch of referrals include families with dossiers logged in up to 10/26/05. That would be two days worth. Ugh. That's all I can say.

Soul Patrol!

2007-04-05T09:20:00.000-04:00

I am sick today, so not in the mood for a long post. I did want to mention, however, that the Taylor Hicks show at Boston's Avalon on Tuesday was amazing!!! Let me end the suspense: He did not sing "Do I Make You Proud".

I was so happy to see that Taylor is just like he was on AI...he goes out there and just does what he wants. The guy loves what he does, and you've gotta love a guy with passion. He did some serious wailing on the harmonica. He has an unbelievable amount of energy, and has to be in fantastic shape. Seriously, I would have died of a heart attack about 1/10th of the way through the show. He sang some songs from his very first CD, Under the Radar. He also sang several songs from his first CD after the Idol win..."Just to Feel that Way", "The Runaround", "Wherever I Lay My Hat", and "Dream Myself Awake". He covered Rod's "Young Turks". One thing he did, which I loved, was to mix up bits of songs like "Let's Get It On" and Willie Nelson's "Night Life" and "Whiskey River". Awesome. For an encore, he came out wearing a Sox jersey. This was necessary because both the button-down shirt and sports jacket he had on earlier were completely soaked with sweat. It was a terrific, terrific show, and I'd go to see him again in a heartbeat. And in spite of how Schnauzer King will try to spin this as something he did to be a good hubs, he loved the show as well. Part of that had to do with the opening performer.

Toby Lightman opened for Taylor, and she was excellent. I love to see a girl rocking out on a guitar. Seriously, check her out. Great bluesy, folk rock sounds, great band, great lyrics. I'll be buying or downloading (LEGALLY, folks) her CD, and you should too. SchnauzerKing thought she was a babe, and I can't argue with that.

I'm ready to get off this ride.

2007-04-05T09:02:00.000-04:00

So, supposedly referrals were mailed out last Friday, but no news yet. The latest rumor is that the LID of 11/04/05 is not included. SchnauzerKing and I will not be in this batch, of course, but I am anxious about this batch, as the cut-off date will tell us whether we have any shot at all of being in the early May batch, which I would love. A referral for Mother's day, instead of seeing the 3rd year we've been somewhere in the process, a waiting mom without a referral. Ugh. As tough as it will be, I have resigned myself to an early June referral. At least SchnauzerKing would have a referral for Father's Day and probably his 37th b-day.

Not that I am jealous.

You are so jealous you can't stand it.

2007-04-03T12:15:00.000-04:00

I am going to miss AI tonight. Sad, I know. But the reason is so good: SchnauzerKing and I are off to see Taylor Hicks in concert. Wipe that drool off your chin!